As gossip sites go, a lot of them leave me cold. But I’m a huge fan of Dlisted. I check in several times daily to see what the hilariously funny Michael K has to say about the current crop of fame-hungry no-marks that count as stars these days, and anyone who reads regularly will know the two top targets for his snarky sense of humour. Phoebe ‘chicken cutlets’ Price (an ‘actress’, apparently), and Shauna ‘empress of lucite’ Sand (an ex-Playboy model) are regularly pilloried for their ‘interesting’ style choices and horrible attention-seeking ways.

Content normally to chuckle at just that, some pix posted of Shauna Sand the other day caused me to gasp in surprise and make a mental note to blog about them. Cast your eyes over the graceful visage above, ladies, which I have gratefully snaffled off said website. Isn’t it subtlety incarnate? Less attacked by Homer Simpson’s makeup gun, and more assaulted with his makeup trowel, ballistics alone couldn’t cause this mess.

Of particular note here are those saturn-like rings of poorly blended shadow. This is one of my tip-of-the-top, cream-of-the-crop pet hates. It’s cheap, trashy and screams Sky News. I had reason recently to chat to the very fabulous and OTT Daniel Chavez, international director of makeup and artistry for Smashbox, and one of the things we talked about was makeup bloopers. “Daniel”, I enquired, “what would you say to a woman with pearlised, sparkly shadow from lid to brow-bone?”

Levelling a steely gaze at me he declared, “Girlfriend. I would tell her to STOP!”

There you are now Shauna Sand, you’ve been told.