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She’s your BFF.
But not in a good way. She’s your Best Frenemy Forever – you kind of hate her but you’re still ostensibly mates.
It’s the snide comments or the way she seems to copy everything you do. Maybe it’s the fact that she does nothing but moan or dominate every conversation by talking about herself – in the most boring fashion. She drones on for what seems like years on the phone and is never ever interested in what you’ve been up to.
You come away from every encounter seething inside and vow to yourself that you won’t bother keeping up the friendship.
But you do. Maybe you’re remembering the good old days and the laughs you used to have – how she was the person you could talk to for hours on end and she just ‘got’ you?
Whatever the reason we’ve all got at least one frenemy. Who’s yours? Tell us about her!
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I heart Boys! Most of my best friends are boys for reasons best explained by all of your comments.
I have one best friend from primary school who I would trust with my life but I only see her when I go home to Cork so maybe once a month and I sorta think that’s how we’ve stayed close – we don’t live in each others pockets.
I think the curse is that we (ladies) think about things too much, over analyse everything and read waaaaaaaaay too much into things when perhaps we should take life as it comes and as one of my best friends (male) always says maybe we shouldnt stress over the little things…
Aphrodite – LOL! You have a fair few paranoid friends though! Yikes!
Beaut.ies – ye’re making me feel normal. Thank God for my sister. I find women to be awful, just awful. Women seem to have a self-destructive streak.
I have loads of female friends, and equally loads of male ones. I would hate to think I would write off an entire sex based on the above. I’ve known a fair few men in my time who can be total divas when the mood takes them.
I think you have to accept that as you get older friendships change as people pair off and have kids, get madly busy with jobs, and it’s not necessarily a bad thing or that someone is doing something to hurt you deliberately. That’s not toxic or frenemy-ish – it’s just that the intense friendships you have in your teens and twenties do change and that’s natural.
To try to ‘control’ people into your way of thinking or behaving once their life has changed or moved away from what you’re doing is really bad and unhealthy for you. I know it can be a control thing, but let people live their lives, live yours and try to meet them somewhere in the middle – whatever that middle ground may be in the shifting sands of being friends with someone over a long period of time.
It might be only seeing people occasionally because you want to maintain the old links but don’t have a lot in common any more/only seeing the person for lovely lunches as opposed to boozy nights out, or whatever.
All that said, some people are just horrors and deserve to be ostracised.
Oh I know all about frenemies!
Worst 1 was back in primary school & she ended up bullying me. Got the courage to cut her out but the effects stayed with me for years.
Also had 1 a couple of years ago. Won’t go into too much detail in case she comes on here though! She created a lot of tension in our group & made a lot of snide comments – mainly about how much others were drinking. All came to a head when she fell out with 1 of the girls who I’d never give up coz she was always there for me. We all cut her out which was a bit harsh but she’d hurt all of us in different ways.
After going through losing my Dad to cancer, I learned who my real friends are & I’m holding on to them & just letting the rest go. Life’s too short & precious to waste on people who bring you down.
I didn’t mean that I had written off all women as I have a few close girlfriends too but I think whether they be male or female- we could all count the number of real true friends we have on one hand….
Meant to say aswell that I totally agree with Kirstie there. All my friends & I are at different points in our lives but we get that & just try to do things together when we can.
Oh & my sister & I get on fab…well since she moved out! Now that we have our own space, we’ve gotten on better & discovered we can be friends. I defo can go to her with any problems.
Yeah, boys are the best friends! I can’t stand the snide things you get from some girls, although there are a few that are rather wonderful in mise’s life
It’s really weird but I can tell you the opposite sort of story. One of my acquaintances and I started off as complete and utter enemies. For some reason, she disliked me when I joined the sports club we’re both still in, because I was going out with a guy who had pulled her up on some awful behaviour and also because I wouldn’t stand for some of her self-indulgent nonsense. I was pretty active in running the club at this stage as well so she would try to undermine any events, disciplinary actions or proposals to the club committee Anyway, I broke up with that guy, and started going out with my current boyfriend who is really good friends with my boyfriend, and she’s decided that I’m her best friend. In fairness, she has improved but she still does some of the same stuff that annoys me such as passive-aggressive comments or really insulting comments disguised as jokes.
I don’t know, we’ll see how it goes in the next while. Either way, I have to interact with her so it’s best that I just ignore some of the annoying stuff.
Sorry, I started going out with my current boyfriend who is best friends with her boyfriend.
I will proof-read my comments from now on.
Have to say I only have a few actual friends, but that’s because I stopped being interested in the “and then she said” kind of conversations! Wouldn’t rule out all women, just avoid the dodgy ones:) Admit I am quite reserved with new people though, just don’t want to deal with the toxins, but if you win my trust, you’ve a friend for life (whether you like it or not!:)
We all have our frenemy stories (as do I!)and what seems to be a common thread is how hard it is to build a new group of friends once the frenemies /groups of frenemies are cut out. It’s much easier when we’re young kids, teenagers, even early 20′s – we are at school/college, have little responsibility, plenty of free time, and in the prime of our lives for going out and being social. Then the reality of life hits – finding a job, establishing a career, possibly moving away, meeting new people through work and new social outlets, finding a partner and possibly marriage and babies. It’s no wonder that people find themselves struggling to find/maintain close friends, life pulls us all in different directions. I’ve met people I would have been very friendly with in my much younger days, and of course we now have little to say to each other (I’m permanently single with no kids, so that cuts out a whole heap of conversation!!) The world is a much smaller place now – not so many years ago, many people didn’t have the means or opportunity to venture further from their home than the nearest big town, making lifelong friendships easier to maintain – you were stuck with them, haha! Nowadays, we’re all over the place.
Unless you’re starring in an episode of Sex and the City, it seems that friendship for most people isn’t all leisurely lunches and shopping trips and eventful nights out. For most of us, trying to maintain friendships means the odd night out, texts, Facebook, and maybe a quick cuppa in each other’s kitchens every couple of weeks.
Sorry, this post is rambling on and only vaguely connected to the topic – just the musings of a slightly hormonal 30-something who can count her real friends on one hand….
Ah yes i know this scenario well. Had a friend in my early twenties with whom i had many great times. Went on holiday, to festivals ect. and we met through work. She always had a tentency to organize things her way, which was annoying and i would find myself trying not to get on the wrong side of her so ended up doing things her way for an easy life.
Eventually i started to go out with a guy and she made it her business to get attached to his best friend. She had this rose tnted view of us all being bff through life. I eventually got engaged and about 6 weeks from my wedding she was being give the brush off by the boyfriend but would not take no for an answer. It all cam to a head the day of my wedding where he left her at the church, and headed off to the pub oblivious. They eventually split up and like a good friend i listened to a lot, and i mean a lot of her woes. I did appreciate that a breakup is hard to go through but i was kind of in a difficult situation as she would keep throwing well its ok for you into the mix.
At this stage the relationship started to become toxic so one day when she send me a long rambling e-mail to work i snapped and stated the obvious that she should just get over it and move on. She never forgave me, but it was the best thing i ever did, it was my honest feelings that she needed to move on with her life. After that things just fizzled out.
Moral of the story really is if you have a `toxic friend’ in your life its just not worth the hardshop you have to bite the bullet and face up to things. Unfortunately life is like that.
God the stories on here show that I’m not a freakazoid with the cutting out of friends
Sarah N – I’ll happily be a Sligo female friend for you
PippaRed – does your bestie have to be down South? My cousin would be my bridesmaid, no doubt about it.
Forgot about the first insistances of frenemies I had, in primary school… One girl asked me to ‘help’ her draw some things for our religion copies and I drew hers better than mine and she started getting her praise by the whole class including the teacher and insisted it was her work, I had done the whole thing (I was 7) and then there was the girl whole was my first person to bitch about me behind my back at my besties bday party, no less, and then wrote a mean poem about me which she read out to the whole class, I was 10 and heart broken by it.
I really don’t think you can dismiss an entire sex(women)as self-destructive in frienships.It’s just that men tend to have a few casual good friends while women tend to have a close knit insular best friend(s).
Frenemies or in my case frenemie cause so much hassle.My best friend and I divorced frienship wise, she lied and turned loads of my supposed besties against me.I decided to hate her for a while and then take the high road.I am civil to her when we meet but she is toxic and I cut her out of my life for a reason.I just refuse to deal with her or enable her troublemaking.I am so happy now that I don’t have to pretend to care about her imaginary slights and OTT problems and constant moan fest’s about fuck all.
Ditch the frenemie and save yourself for true friends who value your friendship!!!
when i was in my late teens early 20′s i was in a group of girls & we all knew each other since primary school. there was this one girl Jesus she was a total cow, she use to go around the group bitching to each one about the other one. She’d get insanely jealous when one of us got a fella & would actually not speak to him or if she happend to be out when he was she’d throw a tantrum. eventually half of the girls fell out with her, but i remained friends with her and fell out with the other girls too, one of them had been my bff since 4th class. it really killed me to loose her. Anyway in the end i couldn’t stick her anymore and just stopped all contact, she’s now left with no friends only her boyfriend & im now back friends with my bff & all the other girls so in the end it has turned out great & we’re all delighted to be back friends while she’s left with no one. she was toxic!!!
sorry about the long post
Hi all,
I read the blog every day but never get a chance to write as I’m too busy in work. I felt I had to write tonight after reading all of today’s posts. I have been so stressed for the last few weeks because of “frenemies” . I would love to befriend one girl in particular but feel I will lose so many other friends because of her, like so many other girls have said today it so hard to find a genuine friend these days. So it’s a very hard decision to make. I do spend less and less time with said frenemy but then it’s a case of getting texts saying “you’v changed” etc etc.
I could go on but I won’t (Its not all about me you know he he) I just wanted to say thanks for all the posts today. In a strange way it’s nice to know other people are dealing with the same situation and unsure what to do about it.
I can’t even tell you how much of a bad situation I’ve had with friends over the last while. During the summer of my first year in Dublin I started a new job just after a break up and I was a train wreck. I was lonely as all the rest of my friends were back down the country, the friends I had met in college were all travelling and to lose my boyfriend was all a bit much. Then I made some really good friends in my work, a big group of about 10 of us, guys and girls, that were really close and used to holiday together, go out every night, go to festivals everything and it was great. About 2 years later I started seeing someone seriously and everything with my friends just grew frosty, they would make snide remarks about my boyfriend, one girl used to even say that he was hitting on her if we ever went out. There was one girl from the group that I’ve still stayed really close with but they treated her the same way when she started going out with someone. I just thought it was very strange behaviour. The two of us seemed to have been removed from the group for having a life outside them. It does hurt sometimes as apart from that one really good friend and my boyfriend I don’t really have that many close friends and I do miss the times we had as a group but I still believe that some people just don’t ever want to grow up/encounter change.
Through out the years I have gained and lost a few friends like we all have really. It’s a part of growing up, maturing becoming yourself and you will click and unclick with people as you grow. At the moment I would like to think the friends I have are my friends forever! My closest friends I have had for over 12 years! Recently, as in the past year, one of my friends has started to act up! I thought it was just me but my other guy and girl friends are telling me to cut all ties with her. They can’t stand her and avoid her all the time now, it has gotten to the stage that if I’m invited somewhere that all my invites include a “p.s. leave that one at home”. You see all of a sudden my friend has gotten very vain and spends the majority of her nights out looking at herself in the mirror. I just laugh at this as I’m a bit of a tomboy and I have to be reminded to check my hair and make-up so I find her antics funny! But now she keeps saying she’s fat, she needs a boob job, her cheeks are too fat etc (even though she’s a size 10, and all my friends are!) This has upset all my other friends so they don’t entertain her anymore!
It the past month she has started treating me like a child, saying that Ive been doing and saying weird things when I have had a few drinks on me, and I remember all my nights out and I know well I haven’t done or said any of the things she has mentioned! She even said that she’d bring me to a house party one night if I needed a lift and when I sat in her car she just drove me straight home. Our other friends were waiting for us at this party and were raging when they headr what she did. They think she bought me home because she wanted to go home but just didnt want me to have any fun without her! She keeps saying that I have a fan base and that she doesnt and throws stroops when we are out if I’m having a laugh with the lads. I’m recently single after a five years relationship and I have just started putting myself out there again, while she is in a four year relationship and is moving in with her boyfriend who cherishes her and wants to marry her and have a family with her. But she still isnt happy unless she has a guy texting her or stalking her. I can’t tell her anything anymore as she uses things against me again. I told her last week that I went to a BBQ with some friends I have in a nearby city and she got mad and said that I’m not including her in anything anymore. I was invited to this BBQ as a “plus one” by people she doesnt know, I couldnt just bring her.
I feel sorry for my friend but I dont know what to do with her. I could go on alday with examples of things she has said and done in the past three months but I’m starting to feel like a b***h.
Any advice?
Gra – just one thought upon reading this.
It’s not you – it’s her
Seriously the thing about the car?? WTF
Annie – you’ve said it there – you’ve moved on and they haven’t. You have a different life now, it’s just one of those things that happen
Limgal – why will you lose friends if you befriend this girl you like? Do the others not like her? Feck them! You can have as many different friends as you like they don’t all have to hang out together
jessiebean – I agree women are great and you can make the best friendships with them.
Keep the faith everyone!
Gee Gee – the mean poem story is TERRIBLE!
Yesterday I was out with some friends, including sisters, and I was envying their closeness. Then today I was with two other friends who have terrible relationships with their sisters! I think as I’ve got older I’ve realised friendships won’t be exactly how you want them to be all the time, they can’t fulfil your every need, and if you can accept that, friendships can be really healthy.
I have a great mix of friends, some I see a lot, some only a few times a year, but I really try to enjoy all those relationships. I think I’m less controlling in relationships now and my expectations aren’t massive around friends-I just try to accept that some friends are deadly for chats, some for going out and some just for facebook! And I’ve definitely dropped a few toxic ones over the years.
I feel a lot more relaxed about friendships now that I’m an oul one! As Carrie said “The most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one you have with yourself”!! True dat!