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Sleeping With Guy For Four Months But Don’t Know If We Are In A Relationship Or If It’s Just Casual

By Assumpta | February 21 2014 | 49 Comments

Karen - Dublin Asks:

I've been "seeing" this guy for over 4 months now. Had a few dates and have been hooking up. He is so shy and doesn't talk much about this casual relationship that's developed. Thing is I am very shy too and I'm mad about him and want to know if this is going to develop.

There are so many signs that he is interested but so many signs that he is either not bothered or is just as confused as I am. I want to find out once and for all but I don't want to get rejected but I also want an answer.

This is my 1st "relationship" in over 4 years and its all kind of new to me. PLEASE HELP :(

Assumpta Says:

Ask Assumpta: Advice

Hmm… We’ve all had this conundrum at one time or another. You’re unsure about where you stand in this relationship, and you haven’t got the confidence to assert yourself.  While going with the flow is good for a while, it’s been four bleedin’ months and you’re dead sick of it. Your shyness is definitely holding you back, you need to stop being nice and stand up for what you need.

First of all, you must work up the courage to ask the question before you will get an answer.  The question is:  “how do we feel about each other and is this going anywhere?”

If outright asking him seems a bit too scary, there are a few subtler ways to wheedle out the truth without making a big deal out of it.

  •  Introduce him as your boyfriend to your friends and see how he reacts.
  • A sneakily simple option is to ask him if he wants to change his Facebook status to ‘ in a relationship’. His answer will tell you all you need to know.
  •  Ask him round to meet your family.  If he’s serious about you, he’ll find this totally reasonable. If he’s not keen on the idea, it could be a sign that he doesn’t want to get too involved.
  • Stop sleeping with him for a while and see if he still wants to see you, even though you’re not doing anything sexual.
  • And here’s a crazy suggestion:  ask him out on a date! A proper one, out in public. Where there’s no hiding. Wine, dine the whole shebang.

It’s important to define what a “relationship” means to you.  If you haven’t had a proper boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic before, maybe you’re not sure.  Sit down and write what a boyfriend is in your ideal world – how he treats you, what you do together.  Have you got friends with boyfriends?  How do they get on?  Do you wish that is what you had?

Is this guy really what you want, or are you clinging to it because you are afraid you can’t find anything better?   Nobody has to settle.

A relationship is a two-way thing, so he needs to man-up and tell it to you straight.  The worst that can happen is that he isn’t ready to commit. No reason why you can’t just be friends.  The best that can happen is that he was thinking the same way as you were and was afraid to broach the question.

But if it turns out that you want more and he doesn’t, you need to find the strength to walk away from this casual relationship that is going nowhere, in the hope of finding something better and more fulfilling. Which you surely can – and will.

Do you agree/disagree with Assumpta’s advice?  Do you have any thoughts on this situation?

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