Each season, we’re told about the absolute must-haves for the months ahead; magazines scream about how this piece will bring you bang up to date for spring/summer. Heck, I’ve been guilty of it myself! But for every amazing embellished trophy jacket (hallo, French Connection), there’s a ridiculously unflattering Pretty in Pink era dress. So what do I predict will end up on the sale rails come mid-summer?
ONE: METALLIC LEATHER
So let’s start, shall we, with metallic leather (above, at Marks & Spencer). I like a good leather pencil skirt as much as the next girl, but in aquamarine leather, it will surely be strictly confined to the fashion masses being papped outside of shows. I mean, can you think of one occasion for which a shiny turquoise leather pencil skirt (£199, incidentally – euro price TBC but I’d say around €270) would be the perfect item? A date, maybe? A job interview? How’s about dinner with the parents? No, no, no. This skirt is just not made for real life. (Like strapless bras and Joseph Gordon Levitt.)
TWO: THE BUMBAG
Or, as I prefer to call it, the fanny pack. Fashion insiders (PRs, mainly, whose job it is to shill this stuff) tell me that they are going to be mahoosive for S/S 2013. Mahoosive. But I can’t for the life of me think of a single person who will use one when they’re not selling clothes at a rail sale. (When you are selling clothes at a rail sale, bumbags will come in very handy.)
I mean honestly: do any of you fancy adding bulk to your belly, even if it does mean keeping your money safe? I know I would rather take my chances with a shoulder bag than add more girth to my tummy area.
THREE : THE SHEER DRESS
Carrie Bradshaw may have got away with exposing a whole array of underwear options during the course of Sex and the City, but it is very unlikely that we’ll be saying the same about ourselves (or our sisters, friends or mammies) in a year.
“Remember that great see-through dress Eileen wore to Julie’s wedding? So classy!”
I don’t think so. While I think some sheer dresses can be rescued by the addition of a nice slip, I reckon most of these ditties will be left on the rails for months to come. We’re just not quite brave (or stupid) enough to go out in little more than our birthday suits.
FOUR: JEWELLERY ON THE BEACH
Ah, this old chestnut is something that crops up over and over again when we get closer to dreaded “bikini season”: photographs of moddles lazing on the sand dripping in jewels. Have you ever seen the likes? I suspect my mammy would crucify me if I attempted to wear any jewellery, cheap or otherwise, on to the beach – plus, can you imagine the tan lines?
The only people I have ever seen wearing jewellery on the beach were a set of twins in Nice last year. I think they were from the Middle East (because they were speaking Arabic and looked very rich – never one to avoid stereotypes, me), and they didn’t so much as look at the water. In any case, even they were only wearing earrings.
This is a seriously heinous development. I mean, look: we’ve all seen dungarees in the past couple of years, either on very old and infirm people who know no better, or on very young and innocent people who, well, ditto. There has also been the odd rogue hipster who thinks that dungarees are a better option than, say, jeans or nudity.
Well, I am here to tell you: they are not. Not even moddles look good in dungarees. I mean please: look at those two there. Do they look good? Would you respect them as human beings in those get-ups? (Also, I realise that the item on the left is a pinafore, but seeing as it is a denim all-in-one I am placing it in the “dungaree” category.)
So tell me, do you disagree? Are you dying to go hang out on a Saturday in your dungarees and your bum bag, with only your swimsuit and a shedload of jewellery on underneath? Have you purchased a metallic leather skirt, just waiting for the right time to wear it? Are you reading this from the comfort of your family ballroom, sipping Prosecco while wearing a sheer maxi dress and matching lace underwear?
What do you think – am I way off the mark – would you rock any of these looks? Or am I, well, totally justified?!