If you are apple-shaped like me, you carry your weight on your middle and are probably more busty than you are hippy. You’ll definitely fall prey to a bit of muffin top, and you probably worry a lot about waistlines, bra lines, knicker lines . . . lines as far as the eye can see!
Skinny jeans are sometimes necessary – for those days when you want to tuck them into boots, and they are, in my opinion, the only jean you can wear with a flat pump – but they are not really your best option, as they will make you look like an upside-down triangle. If you really want to wear a skinny jean, avoid any and all fading and weathering and wear yours with a lengthening upper-half detail. Check back here if you’re wondering what I mean!
Otherwise, go for a straight-legged jean such as Topshop’s Jamie, which is not half as skinny as it looks on Topshop.com and has a flattering high waist. It comes in a host of colours and in a stretch denim, and what’s great about Topshop’s jeans is that they come in a variety of lengths (look into it, Zara!).
What’s not great about Topshop jeans is that they will, after a week, be at least one size bigger than you were when you bought them. My advice? Buy ‘em tight – but make sure you can close them. It doesn’t matter if they make you feel like your insides are being murdered; if you can close them, they fit. Wear them for an hour and check out how much they change.
As well as straight-legged, apple-shaped ladies should look into trying a bootcut style, such as New Look’s Black bootcut jean. I love a black jean, although I did go through a phase of being convinced they were for guys who wanted to be in a rock band. Keep yours black by using a special fabric detergent (yawn!) or dyeing them regularly with Dylon (even yawner!) – alternatively, let ‘em fade and feel Kate Moss-y about the whole thing.
If you’re looking for inspiration for dressing your apple shape, there is a celebrity for each and every one of you! Apple-shaped celebrities include Jennifer Hudson, Lena Dunham (I hope y’all have been watching Girls because it is amazing), Liz Hurley and even Angelina Jolie, who is not pictured because when I Google Imaged her I couldn’t figure out which pictures were her and which pictures were Octomom.
It’s safe to say, in any case, that despite getting the relatively short end of the stick (no one wants the belly fat; it leads to heart attacks, the TV told me so), we’re in some hella good company. And if J-Hud can do it with the help of Weight Watchers, so can I! (Even if Jessica Simpson is having trouble.)
So work that apple shape and feel confident in jeans!