I don’t know about you, but I’ve been absolutely glued to the Olympics since it kicked off. As well as cheering for our Irish athletes and being an absolute BAG of nerves for superwoman Katie Taylor, I’ve been marvelling at the gymnastics, the diving, the 100m sprint, the hurdles, the archery, ALL OF IT.
I’ve also surmised that I’d be an absolutely terrible Olympic judge, particularly for the gymnastics, because I’d want to give everyone a medal for being so amazingly talented in the first place. So, since the International Olympic Committee are unlikely to come knocking on my door anytime soon, I’ve decided to award some extra medals of my own.
The gold medal for dodgy tracksuits goes to…RUSSIA!
While the British athletes get to wear Stella McCartney designs, the Americans are in Ralph Lauren and the Italians are in Armani, poor old Russia are stuck with mental red and white tracksuits that look like they’ve been scribbled on by a child full of Fanta and Skittles.
The gold medal for being a completely inappropriate crush goes to…TOM DALEY!
It’s kind of impossible not to stare at Tom Daley, until of course I’m reminded of the fact that he was born in 1994. Then I just feel like a dirty old woman. Please tell me I’m not alone here.
The gold medal for patriotic nail art goes to…GREAT BRITAIN!
Rebecca Adlington has been sporting Union flags on her nails for the Games, archer Amy Oliver mixed things up a bit with Olympic rings on her thumbnail and cycling medallist Victoria Pendleton opted for the Team GB lion’s head mascot. Excellent work, ladies.
The gold medal for being a Goddamn silver fox goes to….JORDAN JOVTCHEV!
I have no idea how to pronounce his last name, but just look at him! The 39 year old Bulgarian is the oldest gymnast of the London Olympics, who rather impressively made the finals of the rings event. He’s the first male gymnast to compete in SIX Olympics, and Jaysus isn’t he looking well for it?
Honorable mention must go to American gymnast Gabrielle Douglas for being utterly adorable and ridiculously talented, Katie Taylor for single-handedly restoring pride in the country and RTE’s insanely entertaining basketball commentator Timmy McCarthy, who somehow manages to pull off saying stuff like “REJECTED!” despite having a Cork accent, all of whom deserve their own individual extra medals.
So what categories would you add, and more importantly, who’d win?