The other day I was in a waiting room began to thumb through a well read Cosmo magazine. I found to my dismay that it dished out one GOLDEN tip; if you have a boyfriend then he is cheating on you. If he’s cheating on you, it’s because you’re crap in bed and have too much cushion for him to consider pushin’ – stop swallowing food, start swallowing that.
I took to Twitter to express my dismay and found lots of ladies were in agreement with me, and so #CosmoSexAdvice began. Over the years, Cosmo has come out with some pretty effing crazy pieces of sex advice and it’s led to frequent parody. I won’t retype any of our satirical gems, suffice to say that the women to read them to their boyfriends all got the same response: “Please, please never do that!” Followed by minor variations on curling up in a ball, going white or shaking.
Though I got all of the chuckles out of our silliness, the genuine tips that are printed in Cosmo strike fear into my heart. One suggests that you grasp himself with both hands and then twist “as fast as you can” in opposite directions. As fast as you can. In opposite directions. Er, wha? Even I winced at that one.
If you’re not squeamish, check out Cosmopolitan for more tips and tricks – though I can almost guarantee that the playground education you got from the more adventurous girl in the year above will serve you better.
And now I ask you this question: have you ever followed any of Cosmo’s adventurous sex tips? And what’s the worst one you’ve read?