CONFIDENTIAL: NOT FOR PATIENT’S EYES
HAIR STATUS REPORT: crazy as always. Subject (Kirstie) has bonkers hair which is a source of much exasperation for testing team. Shiny at root and to mid-lengths, it then turns to static frizz at ends. Has been responding well to argan oil-based treatments, regular trims and heat-avoidance but long-term advice is to have it all shaved off and be done with the hassle entirely. Sub objects to this on grounds that it will make her look like Millie Tant; scientific team regards this as ridiculous vanity on sub’s part.
ACTION TAKEN: new Dove Nourishing Oil Care Express Treatment Conditioner, €4.69, was tested under rigorous conditions. Part of a new collection of shampoo, conditioner and express treatment, this is designed to smooth extra dry, brittle and frizzy hair. At first team worried that cat had got at it as there appeared to be what can only be described as stripe of wee running through conditioner.
Careful reading of packaging revealed this to be “a stripe of nutri-oil treatment for three times repairing power of a conditioner – in under one minute.”
Phew. Subject applied this post-shampoo to mid-lengths and ends for approx five minutes due to nature of misbehaving barnet, then washed out. While boffins smugly noted the presence of silicones in the formula and patted each other on the back for their prowess in investigations, they also clocked the addition of a blend of almond oil and coconut oil that adds up to what Dove says is a high level of Omega 9, a non-essential fatty acid that can rebuild damaged hair.
Also, team wryly noted, this is the source of the pee-shaded streak.
RESULTS: team cautiously optimistic but subject delighted with newly flippy ponytail. “It feels thin,” she shrieked as we all looked on, stern in our white coats. “Thin, and soft and not frizzy and massive and fat and candyflossy,” she screeched as she twirled about crazily, pretending to be Kate Middleton-type person whose hair behaves itself, sits down flat and looks nice all the time.
Team moved in with sedatives.