Yesterday Phil Mitchell got the Beaut.ie Fantasy Gift Guide treatment and today it’s the turn of Jordan/Katie Price/Jordan/I’m a boob-flashin’ cage fightin’ dancer-dater-style wild thing/I like horses/SOB Pete Please Come Back!/Jordan/boobs/I can’t keep up with her multiple personalities and am worn out now.
Jordan’s ideal pressie is apparently Pete and his six-pack tied up in nought but a bow, but I’d like to firstly send her a bridge which could then be utilised as mechanism for her to get over herself. Ok, that’s not strictly beauty-related so my picks for Miss Price for Christmas 09 are cleanser, cleanser and more cleanser.
We’re always being told how pretty she is but I can’t see it. My view of her features is always obscured by approximately two kilos of harsh foundation, lipstick, lipliner, gloss, fake lashes, scads and scads of stripey eyeshadow, mascara and liner. Add on bronzer, blusher, a gross or so of sparkles and lashings of fake tan and you’ve got someone who is the polar opposite of natural.
It’s not like I want Jordan to embrace the pale or anything, I’m just a bit worried that she, you know, never actually takes any of it off at night and merely trowels on a new layer each morning. So my gift to the overdone-one is a year’s supply of cleanser. And boy howdy, does she needs something heavy duty.
I’m recommending Lancome’s BiFacial for her eye area and a paint stripper for the Ronseal on her face. Well, that or some Eve Lom – because it’ll shift even bomb-proof slap. And Jordan, please, for the love of all that’s good and holy, use them, eh?