Here in Ireland, we love nothing more than a good wedding. Sure isn't it a great excuse to get together with old friends and family, find out what's been going on, who's married who, who's pregnant and who's got divorced (even though sure haven't they just bought that lovely new house).
But as payment for all of this free gossip and speculation, there is a lot that goes into preparing for said wedding. By far the most common fashion query I get is from young women tormented by not knowing what to wear to an upcoming wedding. Is strapless too revealing? Can I wear black? Is it okay to wear Coast (or is that too "bridal party" of me)? Are sequins too much? Must I match my plus one? And so on.
So I've compiled a handy list of "don't"s compiled from my years of experience as an Irish woman*.
Clockwise from left: pencil dress, €49.34 on Asos; silk-blend chiffon dress, €1,580 by Chloé on Net-a-Porter; silk tulle dress, €954.48 by Catherine Deane on My-Wardrobe.com; and beaded mini dress, £195 on topshop.com.
ONE: THOU SHALL NOT WEAR WHITE
Or beige, cream, peach, ivory etc. This is the cardinal rule of wedding-attendee dressing. If there is any chance, however miniscule, that a geriatric auntie will mistake you for the bride, you are wearing the wrong thing.
White, and all varieties thereof, is reserved for the bride.
Clockwise from left: gorgeous (but way too short) coral dress, €240 at Karen Millen; halter skater dress in what Asos describes as "party fabric" (!?), €45.45 from Asos; totally see-through it's actually laughable dress, £85 at Aqua by Aqua; deep V front leopard detail dress, £65 at Lipsy; and way-too-short-but-kind-of-adorable dress, €49.34, also at Asos.
TWO: THOU SHALL NOT REVEAL TOO MUCH
Actually, I would quite like this to be number one in my upcoming book, Rules for Life: a guide to dressing oneself like a grown-up and not like a Barbie or one of Girls Aloud. I do realise though that some women among us enjoy allowing their skin (lots of) room to breathe, and consider said skin-exposure essential to the finding and retaining of a man.
A wedding however ( though you may well meet a man there) is not a time to be bringing out the big guns. So that's a no to:
- anything you need to be taped into
- anything you need to wear special underwear for (super-low bras, super-low knickers, etc)
- anything that necessitates the words "can you see my nipples?" or "can you see my bum cheeks?" at any point throughout the night. Save it for Krystle.
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Clockwise from bottom left: black lace shoulder dress, €49 at Dorothy Perkins; lace bodycon dress, €25 at Oasis; one-shouldered gown, €85 by Diamond by Julien McDonald at Debenhams; black strapless dress (hilarious, non?), €291.99 by Ruby Prom at NewLook.com; and faux leather and lace dress, €49.95 at Zara.
THREE: THOU MIGHT WANT TO AVOID BLACK
Now this rule is problematic and depends on the type of wedding you're going to. If you're going to a cosmopolitan uber stylish wedding, chances are you won't have to worry about this.
If you're going to a wedding where there will be people who remember the Pope visiting and collecting Minstrels coupons from the tea leaf boxes, you should possibly avoid black. Black is for funerals. Weddings are about coming together and (maybe) creating new life!
Funeral = sad death. Wedding = happy life. In any case, colour is usually a good bet for a wedding.
Clockwise from left: red fishtail dress, £35 at MissSelfridge.com; "Wow" bust-enhancing maxi dress (yes, really), €54 at Next; Sweetheart dress, £120 by Phase Eight at JohnLewis.com; jersey bandage dress, €307.50 by Carven at My-Wardrobe.com; and sweetheart bodycon dress, €79 by Myleene Klass at Littlewoods Ireland.
FOUR: THOU SHALL WEAR A VARIATION OF RED
Corals and pinks are good wedding colours, but red itself is often considered too sexy for a wedding. Really. Red makes everyone look sexy. You, a wedding guest, are not meant to look sexy. You are meant to look adoring and full of love and happiness for the couple in question.
Red dresses are for second dates, Valentine's Day and the television. They are not for weddings. They scream "look at me", and you should not be screaming "look at me", you should be whispering "aren't they lovely?" at everyone you meet.
Clockwise from bottom left: violin dress, €2,351 (no joke) by Chloé at Net-a-Porter; flared sleeveless dress, €527 by Stella Jean at Farfetch.com; foil-effect stretch jersey dress, €82.25 by MICHAEL Michael Kors at The Outnet; ruffled silk and crepe dress, €221.99 by Mikael Aghal at The Outnet; and houndstooth dress with frilled neckline, €221.19 by House of Holland at Asos.
FIVE: THOU SHALL NOT WEAR ANYTHING TOO WACKY
Okay, you're a serious fashion burd, we get it - you like experimenting and will, quite literally, wear anything. That crazy shiz we see on catwalks and think, "no one will wear that"? You will. But you'd best put your fashion wild child in the closet for today, because no one wants to see just how wacky and "out there" you are at somebody else's wedding. Don't believe me? How many wedding invites do you think Lady Gaga gets? Yeah, not many! Steer clear of anything you think Bjork, Helena Bonham Carter or Gaga might be into - this is not the time to embrace your inner freak.
So what do you think? Am I right? Am I wrong? Are wedding attire-related rules old-fashioned and outdated? What did you wear to the last wedding you attended? (For the record, I have a wedding next weekend and, provided it fits, I'll be wearing this dress from Whistles.)
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* Ultimately, wear what you want to wear. If you want to play it really safe, listen to mother.
