Initially anxious, down and despairing, guest writer Vicki Notaro found a lot of soul-searching and a slightly dated motto helped make 2015 a stand-out year
Credit: Patrick Quinn ByrneThe shopping is (hopefully) done, the celebrations are in full swing and work is winding down – this is the time of year when everyone casts their mind back over the twelve months that were, the high and lows points and all that happened in between.
For me, 2015 will stand out in my memory for many reasons; it was the year I got engaged to the love of my life, the year I rode a horse for the first time, the year I visited New Orleans and the year I finally gave in to hair extensions. I say finally because I’ve been resisting them for about a decade. I knew that as soon as I got myself a proper weave, I’d be addicted to it for life and so it is; my head hasn’t been without copious strands of Gold Fever since April, and there they shall remain.
But far more than that, it was the year I think I found myself. Apologies for using such an Americanised term (shoot me if I start talking about my “journey”), but it’s the only one that suits. When I cast my mind back over the past twelve months, it’s fair to say it’s been quite a whirlwind, one I was lost in for a little while.
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Towards the end of 2014, I was feeling quite down. I wasn’t quite depressed and it wasn’t exactly anxiety – I think I’d just lost my confidence, and the result was a mixture of panic, worry and feeling defeated. I’ve always been a bit of worrier and slightly neurotic, but generally my happy-go-lucky attitude softened the sharp edges and carried me through. But for some reason, by the time I turned 29 I felt depleted, lost and in limbo, and it made no sense because I had a great career, a fantastic relationship and brilliant friends and family, as well as being pretty comfortable lifestyle wise. Sure, there’d been some bumps in the road and I was carrying a bit of guilt, regret and shame as we all do, but my low mood was fairly inexplicable and entirely unwelcome.
Perhaps other people have a bit of a crisis like this a little older, or even a little younger – that “what on earth am I doing with my life?” cry, repeating internally on a loop. Mine was more like “where can I go from here?”, “am I cut out for this life I’ve created?” and more worryingly, “am I actually a terrible person?!” – the last one was the tell that this was a self-esteem issue rather than the big black dog of depression.
The answers, of course, were “anywhere”, “absolutely” and “no way, Jose”, but it took me most of the year and a lot of soul-searching to get there. I adopted the “feel the fear and do it anyway” motto, another Americanism and a very dated one at that. But it worked for me. Once I told myself it was all right to be frightened, and that fear shouldn’t stop me doing anything, I began to feel better. Or perhaps more accurately, once I started doing the things that frightened me and the world didn’t end, my confidence started to grow again
This time last year, I found myself at a crossroads and decided to take a risk and quit the fabulous job that had taught me so much and follow my gut wherever it led me. It’s been brilliant, but not without its problems and frustrations – I haven’t written the great novel I know I have inside me and I probably spent a little too much of the year in pyjamas. But I did so many things for the first time – I wrote about things I previously wouldn’t have dared, got an opportunity to teach young journalism students for a semester and learned that I am self-sufficient, motivated and just generally well able.
I hoped that 2015 would be my year, and in many ways it was. If I started out in January a little shaky and unsure of myself, I can say now that I’m far more confident than I was twelve months ago. I didn’t know what lay in store for me, and I still don’t. But I know that I can cope with the vast majority of things life throws at me – especially the little things that I spent so much time worrying about before.
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So 2016, I’m ready for you. I already know you’ll bring lots of travel, celebrations, a screenwriting course (watch out Sharon Horgan) and some complications and devastations nobody can predict, but such is life. For now, it’s time to eat, drink and be merry. Happy Christmas gang!
