Children make friends based on very simple criteria. They just need to be roughly the same height. I am not knocking their logic but it does seem a little bit limiting. On the other hand, I envy the simplicity of the process. We form close friendships during childhood, as teenagers and in our early twenties. But it can be hard to keep adding to that circle once you reach your late twenties and beyond.
As a student, even heading to Tesco was a social occasion, four or five of us walking home with the obligatory stolen trolley. If I tried to round up a few of my neighbours now to go on an expedition to buy my cornflakes, I don’t think that they would find it (or me) normal.
At this point in our lives, we have gone through quite a few rites of passage that bound us to those who were on the same path. Life has more responsibilities for us to juggle - work, family, financial worries and existing friendships. We start to pull down the shutters on the friendship shop.
Jerry Seinfeld summed it up very tidily.
If I meet a guy in a club, in the gym, or someplace, I'm sure you're a very nice person. You seem to have a lot of potential. But we're just not hiring right now
Advertised
So how do we go about making friends as adults?
I’m a bit of a nomad and have lived in four different cities in the last six years. I am an extrovert and love meeting new people. But there is a difference between making a friend and making an acquaintance.
- I’ve learnt first and foremost to keep your old friends close to your heart. You need to invest effort in a friendship as you would a relationship. These people know your dark secrets and still like you so for God’s sake, don’t let them go. And nothing can cheer you up faster than a phone call with someone who knows the history of your hairstyles.
- When you move somewhere new, friends of friends are a resource to be tapped. Meeting people for a drink or a coffee is easy and you’ll have a friend in common to talk about at the very least.
- Don’t expect to replicate the depth of your old friendships overnight. Light and fluffy friendships are valuable too! No one person has to fill every criteria, so maybe you’ll make a new friend who loves trying out new restaurants and another who likes to hike on a Saturday morning.
- Spend time doing activities you enjoy and get involved in things that interest you. Throw yourself into kayaking, blogging, knitting, whatever floats your boat. There will be others in that same boat so find where they are hanging out. Meet Up is a great resource for tracking them down and joining in.
- The most important thing to remember is that everyone is nervous about walking into a room full of people that they don’t know. Some of us just hide it really well.
And now if you will excuse me, I am off to search for 5ft 7 guys and girls who live in my vicinity.
Is your circle of friends ever expanding? Are you hiring?
