The summer is well and truly over, which can only mean one thing: open-toed sandals are the work of the devil.
Also, X-Factor is back on telly which means Dermot's little twirl at the start of the live shows is merely weeks away. Now in it's eleventh series, the type of characters appearing on the show are getting a bit repetitive, so I've put together a list of the usual mix we come across each year. Feel free to print the list and play bingo or alternatively throw it in the bin along with your open-toed sandals, you sinner.
- Returning Rob
Rob has auditioned for X-Factor for the last six years and God be good to him, he hasn't quite gotten the hint yet. He's a mediocre singer by all accounts, but this year is different. He's lost a stone and a half out of sheer determination to improve his image, develop a personality and a memorable voice.
The false hope poor Rob receives from the judges is tough to watch. "Owh, I rimembuhh yuu", Cheryl says after reading the sheet of paper in front of her, which says "Pretend you remember him". The other judges explain how they're delighted that our Robbie has returned because he just wasn't ready before, but this year is his year.
Inevitably Rob gets sent home after his second audition and back to his unfulfilled life as a goat’s cheese salesman.
- Sob Story Sarah
Sarah was born six weeks premature and truly believes that this has set her up for a difficult life. What better plan than to exploit her struggles in a bid to secure, at best, thirteen weeks of fame? She's not a bad singer, but her determination to plug her woes into the chitchat before the interview is world-class.
"Do you think you can win?" asks Simon. "Yes, I can. I deserve it because my granny's cat's retainer has been missing for six months and I truly believe that winning X-Factor will bring it back to us. My family is distraught and our world has been turned upside-down." *camera cuts to a close-up of her granny nodding and clutching the cat, as a single tear rolls down her cheek, while the cat visibly struggles with his worsening overbite*
Good on you, Sarah. X-Factor is a great way to raise awareness of this horrific and senseless tragedy, whilst also fulfilling your selfish dreams of stardom.
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- Lunatic Lucy
Lucy is about as subtle as an asthmatic at a sponsored silence in a hay factory. She's loud, obnoxious and extremely irritating. Miraculously, she makes it all the way through to the live shows as the novelty act and provides a small amount of entertainment at first, then gradually becomes public enemy number one as more deserving contestants are booted out, while she stays.
In terms of singing ability, the girl has a decent set of pipes on her, but her personality would drive a diabetic to the pick 'n' mix. Relax, Lucy won't make it to the final and will be forgotten about within five to eight working days.
- Irish Iris
Iris made the life-changing decision to get a cheap flight over to Manchester and audition for X-Factor this year and genuinely can't believe her luck that the judges have taken a shine to her. She's down to earth, likable and mentions her nationality every fourteen seconds.
Naturally, Louis can't contain his patriotism and blatant favouritism towards her from the outset. He becomes emotionally attached to Iris and her family. Miraculously, this attachment disappears as soon as Iris is forced to sing head-to-head with one of his own acts, fighting for a place to stay. At this point, Louis can't book Iris and her family of 36 a flight home fast enough, the pup.
- Charmer Charlie
A cheeky young Jack-the-lad, Charlie is only in the competition because of his strong appeal to young girls who have more braces than a dentist’s recycling bin. He's easy on the eye but a fairly brutal singer, which means these girls are going to vote as if their lives truly depended on it.
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Cheryl always refers to Charlie as her guilty pleasure, Louis claps like a deranged seal when he winks at him and Simon sees nothing but pound signs when he looks at little Charlie. There's mass devastation when Charlie doesn't win, but he gains himself a solid Twitter following and guaranteed female attention for the next three years, so everybody wins.
What other types of contestants have we missed out on? Tell us who else should be on our list and don't forget to alliterate the names for added Cowell emphasis. To the comments!
