'I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!' is now, unbelievably, in it's fourteenth series. Many ludicrous things have happened over the past thirteen series, leading many to believe that the show will eventually turn into The Hunger Games.
While spending a recent evening looking at these unknown contestants celebrities, I compiled a list of five things that will absolutely happen to them this year.
- Exaggerated Illness
At least one of the celebrities will endure a mystery illness during their stay in the jungle. Now, we thought Gemma and her malaria was going to make an early claim on this but even for them, that was a bit extreme.
No, this exaggerated illness will range from something as tame as dehydration to the life-endangering extremities of an infected mosquito bite. The ordeal will be treated with a similar severity to the Ebola outbreak and photographs will surface online of the afflicted celebrity being stretchered out of the jungle looking pale, clammy and very near death.
The media will explode with scaremongering, predicting the tragic demise of this unfortunate celebrity. Inevitably, it will turn out to be little more than a case of the Rodney Trotters and if nothing else, will provide material for a moderately interesting chapter in the celebrity's upcoming autobiography. Every cloud!
- A Romance Like Never Before
Two celebrities are going to fall in love. They'll swear the love is real, unforced and is going to defy all reality show romances that have gone before them. This is going to last, they insist. They'll be married within a year, with child within two years and with reality show within six weeks. They insist that their love is pure because they have traveled halfway across the world to find each other and endured great struggle, constipation, morning jungle breath and hardship along the way.
And when one half of love's young dream pairing is eliminated from the jungle, it will rain for forty days and forty nights, leaving the remaining lovebird to question their existence in the world and threaten to leave. But they absolutely won't quit because they really need the money. Also because true love knows no bounds, etc.
We're guessing our own Nadia and Jake Six Pack are in line to claim this accolade.
- Bloody Bickering
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Oh holy God the bickering. "This jungle ain't big enough for the both of us", will be muttered after an outburst. Truthfully, the jungle isn't big enough for their egos and especially their strong desire for screen time. Two celebrities will take against each other for no reason other than boredom and publicity. This will divide the camp and result in some very amusing 'filthies' being thrown across the campfire.
Conveniently, the public will vote for the two enemies to do a challenge together and they will be hostile at first but then mend their differences for the sake of a dinner other than porridge. They'll reluctantly bond over a mutual love of Jennifer Aniston movies and set aside any remaining grievances.
- Tears
Similar to an expensive wedding cake, this year's I'm A Celebrity will have many tears. The contestants have already shed a few unnecessary tears and they've barely been in the camp a wet afternoon. The lack of food, Facebook and Nelly Furtado's latest album is really going to take its toll on the celebrities and will result in a communal 'totes emosh' outburst.
As a group, they're all going to set aside a few minutes of their day to have a cry. The resulting liquid will accumulate, flood the campsite and they'll all float to the top and escape. And it is at this point, that the real Hunger Games will begin.
What do you mean no takeaway delivery service?- Gourmet Genitalia
What's another series of 'I'm A Celebrity' without the horrified faces of minor celebs being told they need to eat various animal genitalia? Cancelled, that's what.
Yes, a large portion of viewers are tuning in with the hopes of seeing a celebrity sobbing as they tenderly nibble a kangaroo testicle, remarking 'Oh it's actually a bit like chicken'. There's always one trooper in the camp who takes to the Bush Tucker Trials like a Dad to the holiday bumbag. This GI Joe/Jane will try to encourage the others but to no avail.
Meanwhile, the horrified faces of Ant and Dec look on, trying not to laugh and also thanking their lucky stars they will never have to degrade themselves to the position of the people in front of them, making a holy show of themselves for the sake of entertainment. Not until the final series anyway!
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So tell us, are we correct in our predictions for this year? What have we missed out on? Are you watching this year or have we reached peak jungle-mania and now it's time to let this tripe retire peacefully? Let us know in the comments!
