As yiz'll know, the 3rd annual Irish Blog Awards were held at the beginning of the month, and we were all delira to win for Best Group Blog. One blog scored a hat trick though - and that was the blog of Twenty Major, who won Best Blog for the third year running. Still smokin' in Dublin bars, he's now also writin' bukes, and of course, courting controversy 24/7. But what is it about this boy who blogs, we wondered? Is it his animal magnetism (he is a handsome sort, it must be said), his sense of humour - or indeed, his aftershave - that gets the blogosphere voting year on year?
So, we decided to ask him. And by jaysis, he told us. Today he's sharing his thoughts on showering, shaving, and that most manly of preoccupations - hair. Atop the head, on the face, up the nose, he's got it covered. Take it away, Twenty!
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I have to say I was rather taken aback to be asked about my thoughts on male grooming. Then the beaut.ie girls explained it wasn't about trying to meet teenage boys in chat rooms so you can have sex with them later! Phew.
Unlike my friends Dirty Dave and Stinking Pete I am a most fragrant individual. So here are my male grooming hints.
DEAD HYENA'S MINGE
It begins with a shower first thing in the morning. Well, first thing is a good slash but you don't need to know that. Many people these days use PH balanced shower gels or pine scented Radox things but I prefer the old fashioned way. A bar of carbolic soap and an old flannel followed by a good scrub with a Swarfiga covered loofah. You've got to get into all the nooks and crannies because it's those places that attract the most dirt and sweat and end up smelling worse than dead hyena's minge.
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BLOODY SPLOTCHES
Shaving - this is an important part of any man's routine. Shaving is, as most men will tell you, a complete fucking pain. That's why my recommendation is not to shave if you can possibly avoid it. If you don't have the kind of job where you have to sport a red raw face, complete with bloody splotches on your neck each morning, then you're best to let it grow into a beard.
YORKSHIRE RIPPER
Maintaining the beard is essential though so a good set of clippers is vital. These can also be used to clip your pubic hair into funny shapes, or if you have a very hairy chest, cut out random chunks to make yourself look like a chessboard. Some people like to shape their beard by shaving the hair around the cheek bone area but that simply makes you look like the Yorkshire Ripper and should be avoided.
LAWN STRIMMER
As men get older the hair on their head starts to fall out and is replaced by hair in the ears and nose. If scientists could figure out why that hair still grows but the top of your head looks like Zinedine Zidane they'd make a fortune. Ear hair is the lesser of the two worries. From personal experience it seems that nose hair can grow at a rate of about an inch a day. One way of dealing with it is to simply grab as many hairs as possible between your index finger and thumb, then yank with all your might. You can repeat this action for up to an hour and still get something with each tug.
The alternative is to get a little nose hair buzzer which you insert in each nostril and it gets rid of the hairs kind of like a lawn strimmer gets those longs bits of grass along the edge of the garden. Be warned though, this is the most ticklish thing on earth and may have you giggling girlishly. I once got rid of all Dirty Dave's nose hair by sticking a half smoked Major up his nose while he was passed out. It certainly got rid of the hair but he didn't enjoy the constantly weeping wounds that took their place.
SHERLOCK HOLMES-STYLE DEERSTALKER
Men, like hispanic women, can grow wonderful sideburns. Men without sideburns are to be viewed with suspicion and a good set of mutton chops are important. Again you can use the same clippers you use for your pubic hair or a pair of scissors. This is generally ok when clipping the left sideburn with your right hand (if right handed) but can result in uneven locks when you trying to clip the right with the left hand. I speak from bitter experience here. To have a great big line in the middle of your sideburns is not good. It means having to wear a Sherlock Holmes style Deerstalker until the hair grows back and those hats aren't exactly in fashion these days.
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By jaysus Twenty. We hardly knew you had it in you! Check back tomorrow soon for more advice on skincare, manicures and of course, the all-important fragrance pour homme.
* all his beauty secrets, that is
