Twenty's already given us the lowdown on two cornerstones of any fellas routine - showering and dealing with the multitude of hair that most men have on every imaginable body part, and on a few we hadn't thought of. This time, he's dispensing advice on his version of the male mani, skincare and of course, the final finishing touch, eau de man.
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GNARLED AND SCABBY
Emery boards, nail clippers, nail files, all a complete waste of time. There's a reason men have teeth and that's to maintain fingernail length. The true experts may also like to eat some of the skin on the side of the fingers. A real man's hands should not be manicured, they should be gnarled and scabby.
MANSCARA
Nowadays there are all kinds of products for men that existed only for women in the past. Moisturisers, creams, lotions, concealers, face masks, blackhead removers and many more. Unfortunately any man that uses any of these things is immediately much less of a man than a man who doesn't. Apart from Clearasil in the teenage years a man should not smear any kind of pasty goo into the skin on his face. Anyway, if all men had beards, like they're supposed to, none of these products would even be necessary. If this continues we'll have stuff like Manscara on the shelves and then where would we be?
SMELL LIKE A TWAT
Unfortunately many men have a strong smell. All that testosterone, I suppose. Even after a good scrubbing they give off a pungent odour which does nothing but attract animals in heat. Therefore it is necessary to to use deodorant. Don't believe those Lynx ads. Spraying that stuff under your arms does make loads of Amazonian women chase all around the place before engaging in a 978some with you. It just makes you smell like a twat. Right Guard, that's what you want. Subtle smell but with maximum underarm protection. Due to men working in physical jobs like lifting stuff, carrying stuff and typing stuff on computers the underarms can get quite smelly, quite quickly. Therefore you should ensure you give them a liberal spraying before you go out. Roll on deodorants are also effective but those giant Pritt stick ones are a bit crap.
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GAY FRENCH-SOUNDING NAMES
After you have finished all your washing, cleaning and so on, it's time to leave the house. The final step is the Eau de cologne, or aftershave. Those of you with beards will struggle with your conscience. Can you really put on aftershave even though you haven't shaved? My answer to that would be 'yes'. Don't mind the people who call you a hypocrite or a liar, everyone does it. And these days there are so many to choose from. Old Spice, Aramis, Paco Rabanne and many others with really gay French sounding names. It's a matter of personal choice. You have to spray some on your arm to see how it reacts with your skin.
Me, I get mine made up by an exclusive perfumer who works out of his garden shed in Rialto. It costs that little bit extra but it just means I smell like a different kind of ponce to everyone else.
So, in conclusion, good grooming is a vital part of any man's day. It's very easy to notice those who don't pay attention to personal hygiene. They're the smelly cu*ts with loads of space around them in the pub.
Soap on, brothers. Soap on.
