The Sex Commandments when Living with Housemates

Some things in life are tough to navigate – getting through college, travelling alone for the first time, cooking your first Sunday roast… and, of course, getting the ride while living in close proximity to your housemates. 

 Ahh, shared accommodation. A ‘luxury’ which was once only bestowed upon those in University and young ‘wans’. However, due to the delightful housing crisis that we find ourselves in, we have to house-share much later in life than we care to. 

Some of the lucky ones can share with their besties who haven’t managed to afford a mortgage yet either, while the rest of us not-so-lucky ones get the pleasure of living with Randoms from the internet (sigh). 

While, many things are shite about living with housemates past your late 20’s– queuing for the one bathroom, dealing with Nuala's knickers drying in the sitting room, dirty cutlery that isn’t yours – by far the worst of these is being unable to ride in peace. 

When you share living quarters, you can’t just be ridin’ willy-nilly (pardon the pun). There are rules to riding – strict rules, commandments if you will, which must be adhered to at all times. 

Thou shall keep the volume at a reasonable level. 

Look, we’re all delighted for you that you’re having a great time. But no one want’s to hear you having a great time. So if possible, keep any moaning, grunting and heavy breathing (yes, rented walls usually are paper-thin) to a reasonable level. My top tip is to play an ‘aul Spotify playlist at a medium level. Not only will it create a bit of a ‘mood’, but believe me your housemates would much rather listen to a bit of Lewis Capaldi. 

Thou shalt not ride outside your designated area.  

I understand that spicing things up in a relationship from time to time is key to keeping the magic alive. However, when you live with housemates, you are limited with the level of spiciness. For the love of God, keep it to your bedroom and don’t ever think sex in the shared kitchen is a good idea. 

Thou shall take responsibility for your partner. 

Whoever you are ridin’, you are responsible for them while they are in the house – them’s the rules. It is your responsibility to explain any house rules to them. Whether it is making sure they don’t stroll around after the deed semi-naked (or naked, in my experience), if your housemate’s food is off-limits or if they need to be quiet leaving in the morning so not to wake up your sleeping housemates. 

Thou shall get permission for date nights. 

We have all probably had a housemate who’s significant other appears to casually live with you as well, without paying any rent or contributing to bills. Don’t be this person. Yes, I understand you want to spend as much time with your significant other as possible; however, when you house share, you need to respect other people’s space. Send a text and give housemates the heads up before your fella or girlfriend comes over, especially if you are planning on taking over the living room for a sexy evening in. 

Thou shalt not break up the party. 

There is nothing more unsexy while climaxing, than a housemate dramatically ‘sssshing’ from the next door bedroom (God damn you paper-thin walls!) Look I know there is nothing worse than practically feeling like you are in the room with your moaning housemate and their partner, but you just need to grin and bear it and let them have their fun – you will have your turn soon, and you would appreciate the same. 

However, if the noise is really becoming a problem, have an open conversation with them the next day and politely ask them to keep the noise down. 

Thou shalt not sleep with housemates. 

 If there is one rule you take with you, please take this one. Ridin’ housemates never ends up well. You may think now that it’s incredibly convenient having a live-in sex buddy, however, this will be short-lived when they bring someone else home. When it comes to housemates, just keep it to passive-aggressive text messages and loud ‘ssshing’.