Taylor Swift is My Arch Nemesis: Celebrities You Have Taken Agin'

As I was patiently waiting for the hair on my mole to grow back so I could shave it again, I came to the startling realisation that the public opinion of Taylor Swift is generally pretty negative. That’s entirely fine, but I’m trying to figure out why I personally don’t really like Taylor. I’d like to uncover the true basis for this dislike, aside from the fact that Taylor Swift is undoubtedly the ultimate name for a dressmakers.

Taylor Swift is older than me. Fair enough, that’s not exactly grounds for begrudging the girl, but she has the same birthday as Jamie Foxx, which I’m annoyed about because I’m lumped with the same birthday as Khloe Kardashian and Helen Keller. Furthermore, Taylor was homeschooled from a young age and having conducted extensive research, I have reached the well-informed conclusion that homes make terrible teachers. They don’t even have faces.

Now, her music isn’t quite my cup of tea. Country music tends to make me want to test the strength of a vice grip on my baby toe, so when you’re mixing country with pop, I’m tempted to raise the vice grip to some of the larger toes.

Her songs are full of hidden meanings and code names, which doesn’t sit well with me because, as we all know, crosswords are the devil’s work. She credits LeAnn Rimes as her main musical influence and I find that laughable, in the sense that LeAnn is yet another celebrity whose surname hasn’t dictated her blatantly suitable career path (as a poet, similarly Swift as a runner).

In terms of romance, Taylor has gone out with some of the most beautiful men on the planet. Perhaps this is the main source of my hatred. How dare she prevent me from having the perfect life with Jake Gyllenhaal, John Mayer, Taylor Lautner, Harry Styles and many many more (quick reminder that if Taylor had married Taylor Lautner, they would both be called Taylor Lautner. Imagine the confusion when their bank statements arrived). Then again, perhaps Taylor is being incredibly considerate and only dates these beauties for a short amount of time, presumably to make them available for more suitable girls such as myself. Oh my God, is she actually a nice girl?

There's a few made-up reasons why I dislike the girl as well. I get the vibe that Taylor takes preheating her oven very seriously. I have no strong evidence but I get the feeling that she is quite pedantic and probably insists on being the one to bring snacks for long haul journeys, but disappoints everyone when she opens her cooler bag to reveal hummus and hard-boiled eggs.

There's no doubt in my mind that she alphabetises her DVD collection and if I'm being honest, part of me respects her for that. However, upon Googling ‘Taylor Swift Trivia’, I discovered that Taylor named her car ‘Toyoat’ because it was a Toyota. To put this into perspective, the girl that is capable of coming up with such a woeful nickname has seven Grammys, fifteen American Music Awards and twelve Billboards. I have full attendance certificates from primary school.

Part of me wishes that Taylor would be secretly filmed kicking a puppy or piercing a salmon with non-sterling silver because then my dislike would be validated. I would be so smug, having foreseen this girl’s true colours. “I can always spot a bad egg”, I would say. “You were right Ciara”, they would say. But no, instead she parades around with her flawless makeup, permanently on point outfits, enviable figure and undeniably wonderful hair.

Is there a celebrity that you dislike but are unsure why? For example Anne Hathaway has quite a smug face but probably gives great birthday presents. Let us know in the comments!