SOS! I'm quitting smoking: and I need your help

Everyone knows that smoking is one of the worst things you can do to your health, but there are a thousand other reasons too that mean I'm trying to kick the habit.

First off, spending a tenner on a pack is seriously impeding my attempts to acquire every item in Tom Ford's make-up range - thus leaving a massive luxury cosmetics shaped hope in my life.

Then, there's the awkward matter of having a mouth that, if kissed, could be confused for an old ashtray. I've been close to hallucinating with the amount of mouth-wash that I've ingested while having a cheeky swig in the bathrooms.

On a similar note, sitting around with a fag in my mouth makes me look like Father Jack. I think it's the dead-behind-the-eyes gaze that we share.

Patches are out of the question for me, I tried some about four years ago and ended up trying to rub it against my gums it after two days. Cold turkey isn't really an option either, it just seems way too difficult. Fassbender himself could point at his massive Ikea sofa and offer me an afternoon on it if I just didn't touch a cigarette, there would be no dice. Hypnosis was a load of wank, for me - so that's not happening.

I am, however, interested in those fancy-pants electronic cigarettes. I'm dying to give 'em a whirl but they feel too good to be true - they seem like smoking without the smell or health risks, aka heaven in a 2.5 inch cylinder. Let me know if you've tried these and if they'll help me turn into some sort of Gwenyth Paltrow-like fitness freak.

So, with all that being said, I'm planning on giving up cigarettes but between this and my insomnia I just need help! While hand-holding and reassuring pats on the back would be appreciated, I would love to know about your experiences to give me some practical support.