Six Stages Of Getting Ready For A Friday Night Out

Planning on going out tonight? Think you'll just pop home and be out the door in fifteen minutes? Well, the road to hell is paved with Good Intentions (possibly the name of a nightclub in Tullamore). We know the six stages you'll go through because, well, lots be honest, we'll be going through them too.

So shall we get through this together? Let's begin...

• Will I? Won’t I?

Will you go out at all? You probably shouldn’t, you haven’t two beans to rub together. Then again you should. Arah, you might even stay in altogether. Wouldn’t it be as handy now if Siobhán wanted to cancel? Ah no, that’s bad form and the girls will think you’re odd for wanting to stay in. You’ll just have one or two drinks. Plus Siobhán is mad for the nights out lately, she’s had more gin and tonics this week than European hospitals have had Ebola scares, but that’s none of your business.

Anyway, by only drinking a small bit you’ll have a clear head and might even hit the gym tomorrow morning. This is great, you’re such an inspirational young go-getter, balancing your work and blatantly hectic social life like a world-class trapeze artist.

• The Routine

Ok, straight into the shower once you’re in the door from work, no messing. Thus begins the washing process. Scrub, shave, exfoliate, rinse, dry, moisturise, and beautify. God you’re making great time now it must be said. Maybe have a quick sit down and Instagram your newly painted toenails. Is #ToeniCollette a good hashtag? You’re hilarious, you should be a comedian.

Alright, back on track. Dry the mop of hair, and straighten the bejaysus out of it, but not without Snapchatting the girls a photo of the absolute state of your hair before straightening it. Imagine going out like that. Imagine.

• Tan Time

Applying tan in a hurry is something you’ve got down to a tee. The preparation is key here. Luckily you’ve already exfoliated your body with the ferocity of a thousand starving wolves, so your skin is red raw. You know what goes well with red? Brown. Pile that liquid, smelly gloop onto your mitt that's never been washed but you insist will get a thorough scrub one of these days.

Now, for the love of God, BLEND. You use swift circular motions at first, then lose patience and just blob and wipe, like a marker running out of ink. When you begin to resemble a mahogany chest of drawers, you’re done. Don’t forget to hobble around like an Egyptian for ten minutes so you don’t smudge it!

• The Outfit

It’s essential that you set aside the bones of an hour to find something to wear. This allows for a quick ten-minute panic attack over having nothing to wear, followed by a quick weep because literally none of your clothes fit anymore. Once that’s out of the way, you’ll inevitably choose the first item you tried on. But isn’t it great that the other outfits got a few minutes out of the wardrobe to remind them of what the outside world is like.

• Make Up Mash Up

Right, there’s not a lot of time to turn this ogre into an Adonis. Start with a quick rub of foundation all over the face. How far should it go down your neck? That’s easy. Get a measuring tape and accurately find the distance from your cheekbones to your collarbone. Then multiply the results by four, divide by three, then simply cop onto yourself and stop wasting time. Blend the living daylights out of your makeup lines with bronzer and pray to the living Lord himself that the bar you’re going to is very pretentious and poorly lit.

• Mirror Moment

When you’re as good as out the door, make sure you allow sufficient time to stand in front of a full-length mirror. This is a vital part of your Friday night routine, as you need to firstly practice your pose for photographs and secondly see how your outfit and overall appearance will look from every angle imaginable. Drop something? No problem, let’s just make sure your pants aren’t on show when you bend down. Need to extend upwards for an overly-confident dance move? Easy, once you’ve ensured your deodorant hasn’t left a cry for help on your top.

Happy? Great. Now head for the front door and turn right around because it’s after midnight, you’re exhausted and need to catch up on Grey’s Anatomy.

What's your Friday night routine like? Do you persevere the process or fall at the last hurdle like ourselves? Do you have any other stages to add? And have you seen who's on the Late Late tonight? Ah, maybe we'll just stay in after all….