Are you attractive enough? Relax! Esquire from 1949 has you covered.

Ladies! Have you found yourself wondering how to make yourself more attractive to the opposite sex? Do you enjoy a drink or three, like to knit or sometimes find it hard to decide when ordering dinner? Well you’re doing it ALL WRONG, but worry not! Esquire’s 1949 Handbook For Hosts will set you right. As long as you remain servile and personality-free you’re home and dry.

Of course, making fun of the outrageous sexism in an article from the late forties is like shooting fish in a barrel, but they’re just such lovely big fat fish with targets painted on their sides, it’s impossible to resist.

Here are some of the best (worst?) tips on the list:

Do you bring the names of other men into the conversation to give yourself a sought-after appearance?

Don’t. This may give a man a sense of inferiority — he is uncomfortable with you, and soon drifts away to someone else. It may make him wonder how much talking you do about him.

That’s right you tramp, no mentioning other boys! As far as you’re concerned, the man in front of you when having a conversation is the only one in the universe. Men are such fragile creatures that even mentioning the fact that you have a brother is enough to send them running off crying, you big meanie.

If you are asked to get another girl for a foursome, do you pick one obviously less attractive than you are?

You are unwise to do so. Get the most glamorous girl you know, and both men will be pleased.

All that matters is that the men are pleased. Even if the most glamourous girl you know is a total pain in the hole, guess what? No one cares what you think. (I’m assuming that by foursome they mean a double date, otherwise that is some saucy talk for 1949.)

Do men marvel at your capacity for holding liquor?

A great mistake: it gives you a fast reputation and runs into money - the man’s money - besides.

Put that gin and tonic down, you goldigging harlot!

Do you knit when you are having a cozy, fireside evening with a man?

For some reason, men hate to see a woman doing anything with her hands when talking to her. Undivided attention is best.

PAY ATTENTION WHEN THE MAN IS TALKING, DEAR. You’re best off having your hands neatly folded in your lap while you placidly stare at him, absorbing every syllable he utters.

Do you either play bridge or dance really well?

If not, take steps to correct this at once. You’re better off if you do both well, but one talent is mandatory.

Nothing gets a dude’s motor running like a game of bridge. That’s one damn sexy card game.

Do you keep your friendships warm by chatty calls to your men friends at their offices?

This is fatal.

FATAL. NO EXAGGERATION. PEOPLE COULD DIE IF YOU TALK DURING THE DAY.

There's loads more here, including a guide for men to make themselves more attractive to the ladies, such as not holding her hand in front of friends, as ladies don't appreciate public mauling. There's also this little doozy:

Would you dine a girl expensively and not buy her flowers, or economize on the place and bring her at least a gardenia?

Most women would prefer having flowers and less to eat.

You whatnow? Leave the flowers and I'll have the steak, thankyouverymuch.