Surviving Festival Season - a Beaut.ie Guide

Oh yep, it's heading for that time of year again - the time when the tickets get purchased, and the tent gets dusted off for another few days in a squalid field with a load of drunken 16 year olds singing 'Ole Ole Ole' night and day, and overflowing portaloos. Ah, bliss.

One of my long term loves (apart from makeup) is music, and as a result I've been to a load of festivals in my time, right from the heady days of th'auld Trip to Tipp that was Feile, to the shortlived Phoenix festival, right through many Readings (where I met Himself), tons n' tons of ATP's, an Electric Pic-a-nic, and also several Witnness/Oxegens. And probably some more, too - oh that's right, two Mor's as well.

I have it pretty well worked out at this stage what you need to bring to remain fresh n' fanciable. So even though it's a bit on the early side, here's my Beaut.ie Festival Guide:

My number one rule is - don't camp. Stay in a B&B or a hotel. However, I do realise that this isn't always feasible or as much fun, and so if you must camp, then this is what you need to bring:

1. A strong man*. Get him to put up the tent while you drink your
2. wine box. Get it down you quick, and then inflate the innards - it makes a perfect pillow! Yay! And lord knows you'll need a kip after all that supermarket booze.
3. An inflatable mattress - see point 1 above for info on how to inflate - you'll need your beauty sleep, and the cold hard ground is no way to go about it.
4. Baby wipes - now these, ladies and gents, are an absolute festival can't live without essential. They will be your shower for the next 2-3 days. It's possible to achieve a modicum of cleanliness with a couple of packs of these damp doofers, and you won't feel too skanky at all at all. A whores bath they may be, but beggars (and whores) - they cannot be choosers.
5. Deodorant - lots. Mens ones, if you can get non-scented, are the bomb because they're way stronger than the stuff us ladies usually use.
6. Deodorant wipes. You're generally out of your tent all day, and the security guards can be iffy about taking things like pressurised cans into the arena - which is fair enough. But you're not thinking it's so fair after 6 hours of standing in sweaty marquees with a bang of BO coming off your pits that'd fell an ox - these lovelies will have you sweetly scented in no time.
7. Liquid toothpaste - drinking water is often a scarce commodity at festivals and of course you'll have forgotten to buy any as you staggered back to your tent, locked off your gee the night before. This way you can get some sort of relatively decent tooth brushin' going on. See also mouthwash.
8. Hair - tie it back or invest in some nice hairbands - it'll stay cleaner for longer. If you've got the sort of hair that needs to be washed every day then Batiste dry shampoo is brilliant. Spray it on, rub it in and hey presto! Your hair is clean and fresh smelling. I can't rave enough about this stuff.
9. Sun cream and sun glasses. Yeah, ok, a touch on the optimistic side as it will probably bucket down for the duration, but you never know, we might get lucky. And we've all seen enough lobster red topless jung'flas at festivals to know the benefits of using proper sun protection, haven't we?
10. Little packets of tissues. These are crucial. Nothing worse than finally getting the courage up to brave the portaloos, hovering gingerly, and then discovering that there's no loo roll - ah here, lets not kid ourselves. There's NEVER any loo roll. So have a pack of these on you at all times - or a toilet roll, if you prefer. But that would ruin the line of your clothes, darling.

And that should be yer lot! I know what savvy lasses you lot are though, and I bet you'll have some more equally fab suggestions to add in a comment.

*In the interests of not being a sexist pig, a strong person will be sufficient. Just as long as you don't have to do all the hard stuff yourself, you understand.