Spanx for Nothing

I took myself off into BT's on Thursday to buy a pair of much needed Spanx. Things in the ass area have gotten ourra control of late and in the absence of being able to instantly diet off some weight in order to look even a teeny bit sleek in the bridesmaid's dress I wore at Himself's sisters wedding at the weekend, I thought I'd suck it all in with the help of some much needed control-knickery instead.

I found an assistant and asked her what the usual rule of thumb would be for Spanx Purchase - would I get my size, or a size down? She took a look at me and said, 'well now, you and me would be the same size'. I gawped at her, in shock. Indeed I am no skinny minny and have a sizeable auld bum and thigh area, but this gal - now, no offence intended, but she was not the same size. She was a good bit bigger. But politeness reigned and I didn't know how to sort of, delicately like, intimate this fact to her. So I said nothing, even though tears of humiliation were beginning to work their way into my eyes. Then, to add insult to injury, she SAID IT AGAIN. I was bewildered, and wondered should I say to her, 'ah here love, we aren't the same size, now come on', but peversely I didn't want to insult her, even though she had really offended me - quite unwittingly, I am sure - she probably thought she was being really helpful. But I can't help feeling that shop assistants shouldn't really be offering this sort of 'help' and 'advice'...

Snatching the Spanx out of her hand I crept to the till, feeling godawful about myself. Paid up and took the evil pants home. When it came to putting them on on Saturday morning, I got into them with no wriggling at all - not a good sign. When they were up and in place, they had not flattened one inch of my exuberant flesh. Not a centimetre was sleeked or sucked. In other words, my Spanx were ranx. The assistant, in an evident display of reverse body dismorphic disorder, had told me the completely wrong size to get, and they did shag all because they were too big.

Way to waste €40 AND be insulted at the same time, eh?