Paltrow's Goop Responds to Mick-Ripping 'Lifestyle' Vid

Last week, Stephen Colbert released the below parody video essentially ribbing the bits off lifestyle brands like Goop and Preserve - spawned from the minds of Gwyneth Paltrow and Blake Lively.

While said vid went down a storm with everyone who needs to be told how to be unique, Goop decided they'd get back to the new Late Show host with the below tips on how a man can infiltrate this female dominated need for over priced bicycle crates. Just one example of the many things on offer via Lively's Preserve.

The Goop article, titled 6 Fail-Proof Tips For Launching a Men’s Lifestyle Site leads with a screen grab of Colbert peddling his 'Covetton' brand, and goes a little something like this...

"We were thrilled this week when both Stephen Colbert and Snoop Doggy Dog (yep, Snoop Lion wants in on the action too) announced they were joining us in the lifestyle space. We know we speak for everyone when we say, it’s about time someone brought a sausage or two to this clam bake. The lifestyle space, however, is not as easy as it looks, so in the spirit of sisterhood, here are some ideas for a successful launch.

1. All eyes are on you now, so pull it together at all costs.
It’s said that we here at goop subsist solely on seaweed, air, and Tracy Anderson DVDs, but when all else fails, we have some tricks up our sleeves. After all, hipsters - and the dad bods that dress like them - know there’s only one bulge that belongs under your skinny suit. We hear that aerial yoga is really good for those moobs and not-so-manly muffin tops, but failing that, there’s always Spanx for Men. Perhaps a waist trainer for guys should be the first offering from your own-label product line.

2. Find legitimacy by latching onto obscure trends.
Our bet is that men with perfectly curated lifestyles will soon be swapping their kombucha for the next artisan wellness mocktail—Up Mountain Switchel: An American Heritage Beverage. This historic recipe has been passed down through generations of Vermont farmers, only to be resurrected in the alleys of Bushwick by two brothers who hand-craft every batch from meticulously sourced ginger, organic apple cider vinegar (raw, of course), and the highest-grade maple syrup. So high in grade, in fact, Snoop can probably smoke it. 

3. Get good at telling people what to do.
Our how-to, evergreen beauty content is SEO gold - and you can link-bait the shit out of it. Take, for example, achieving the perfectly imperfect man bun - subject line: The Panty Dropper of Hairstyles - which you can easily stretch into a six-part slideshow (six times the pageviews!), complete with product integration. 

4. If something is expensive, front like you own it.
You need to get out there and quickly establish that you don’t use run-of-the-mill appliances - at least in public. For example, our readers think the best green juice comes from gold-plated juicers; likewise, you want your readers to believe you actually have the one ring to rule them all. Not the one from Etsy. The one from Middle Earth.

5. As content kings, set up your kingdom in the kitchen.
Every lifestyle brand worth its salt has a food section, so you’ll need to set up a state-of-the-art test kitchen right away. Goop readers go particularly crazy for our yearly detox recipes, but with the modern-day male audience in mind, we recommend a Paleo approach. Stephen, why not try to shark some of Snoop Dogg’s readers? After all, the media world will be eagerly awaiting a cat fight from you two lifestyle doyennes! 

6. Embrace your babymaker.
Everyone goes WILD for content about genitals, so we suggest you get ahead of the curve and write about a growing craze among men, anal bleaching. Colbert, we think this is one that will really hit home for you, both personally and professionally. We test all of our recommendations ourselves before we publish, and any content site worth its weight must do the same... Gentle fruit acids will be applied to your balloon tie to lighten you up! You just might cause a sensation in the media (great for growing your subscriber base) and you certainly will cause one in your pants."

They signed off with: Come visit soon: A-Steams on us! love, all your new friends at goop"

Of course, these are just snippets from the article, you can read the whole lot of it (only if you have the time, like) here...

Isn't it refreshing when nobody tries too hard or takes themselves too seriously?!...