Jaysis Cristiano - Get Yourself Some Sunscreen

My eyes! My eyes!

Assaulted left, right, and centre at the moment by pix of an exceptionally handbag-alike Cristiano Ronaldo on every single gossip blog going, I feel them literally watering when I see how much sun damage he's gotten. Because that's what a tan is, people, nothing more than damage. To use football parlance, this guy has just scored a bit of an own goal. And I never thought I'd agree with Perez Hilton, but even he's shocked: "Just looking at his eggplant skin makes us want to take a bath in sunscreen!"

The injured Man U player is currently the colour of mahogany, a very dark dog poo or Bisto - whatever you want to call it, it ain't pretty. And sure, I know he's Portuguese and therefore more suited to sun exposure than us celtic types, but if I was his mammy, I'd be a mad Mediterranen Mamma, and I'd be insisting he covered up, stat.

What should he be using? I'd say a lick of RoC's Minesol Triple Defense spray with SPF50 might be the order of the day. Great for guys and fuss-free types because it's a clear spray that even works upside down, putting it on takes seconds. So where would Cristiano buy such a thing? It'll set him back €19.95 at pharmacies, and we recommend he hurry along to one with the quickness.