I'm loving Angels instead. Well not really. Angel Therapy not for the likes of me

The therapist came out to where Kirstie and I were relaxing on loungers. "Who is for the [insert mumbo jumbo therapy name here] treatment?" she asked kindly.

We looked at one another.

"Eh... her... not me... eh I dunno"

With reluctance I put down my trashy mag. In the end I was the creathur who had to go and do it. Lying on the bed in the treatment room, crystals were passed over me and I was told the name of my own special angel who was "in the room with us. Can you feel him?"

"Er... no"

"He's very powerful." (Some Reiki is done on me). " Can you feel him now?"

"No, sorry"

"Look , I'll open the door." (makes gesture like huge wind almost knocking her over when door is opened)  "So many of them! Rushing, rushing through the door. Eager to meet you. Oh can't you feel it?"

"Really sorry, I can't feel anything."

In the end I had to (unconvincingly) pretend to feel an angel and submit to his wisdom.  Perhaps there's something wrong with my aura - but this kind of therapy does nothing for me. I only like therapies involving squeezing out blackheads and conditioning hair etc. Obviously I haven't spiritually evolved. What about you?