Halloween Costumes: Pat Butcher
This is a time of year when costume parties are all the rage and god knows we're all sick of people unimaginatively dressed as witches, skeletons and ghosts (a sheet is not a costume, people). So why not emulate your favourite stars of stage and screen?
To begin with, I present you with the easy guide to becoming Pat Butcher, from Eastenders.
1. Go to your nearest pound shop type emporium and stock up on discontinued makeup items - in particular you should be looking for vivid blue shadows, brown pansticks and frosted lipsticks. Pay, and sneak out of the shop hoping no one has seen you.
2. Befriend someone who routinely wears mu-mu type garments - the more garish they are the better. If they have a leopard skin one - you're quids in. If this isn't an option, you can make your own out of bin liners and sellotape. If they're also into wigs - bingo! Borrow a nice short platinum one. If that's not a goer, you could eat loads of Dairy Milks and then use the golden foil to make a lovely wig type hairpiece.
3. Strap some pillows around your body - the aim here is to have a thin face, yet startingly large torso.
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4. Place mu-mu on top. Admire.
5. Now you're ready for the Makeup of Sin. Slather the panstick on liberally - the aim is to be shiny AND brown. Place the shadow on the table and let your face fall onto it. Do this a good few times until your entire eyes up to the brows are liberally coated (see any Sky Newsreader for more details). Don't worry about any excess - this will only add to the Butcher Brilliance. Now for the lips - under no circumstances should you use a mirror for this. Smear your selected frosted shade on, making sure you go well outside of your natural lip-line.
6. Get the most jangly, loud and dangly earrings you can - nothing subtle now, you hear?
Accessorise with a fag, a dirty leer, a naked Frank Butcher with a rotating bowtie, and a copy of Basic Instinct. A bottle of cheap wine and Yolande's husband are optional.
Enjoy!