"If you don't mind me saying so..." said the girl behind the department store counter " no one under the age of 80 buys these knickers."
"Hah!" I was laughing "Are they no good? Is there no er magic?"
"Not only are they no good," she explained, "they were invented in the last century - and they look it. In fact I think we've had that pair here since the 1900s. And this," she said dismissively holding up a slip which was supposed to squash everything into place. "is crap too. Unless you actually want to look like you've no boobs?"
"Em no" I agreed, crestfallen. "No, I definitely don't want that."
"Well then I'll get you a better pair," and she vanished off into the maze of shelves and displays of millions of types of control knickers. Some with legs, some without. Some high-waisted, others thong trouser knickers. Some with built-in slips; some with built-in bras. Some with some of these things; some with all. Some with firm control; some with medium and some with light.
All with one uniting feature however. That of supreme ugliness. Oh it's all so bloody confusing.
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"Now then," she said returning triumphantly. "These are high-waisted, they go up to your bra which means there's no muffin top. They squish your stomach and they're made so that there's no VPL. And you'll be able to breathe and stuff- they're the very latest technology."
"That's great, thanks for your help," I said happily handing over forty quid "Gok Wan has nothing on you."
"Gok Wan?" (here she uttered a sarcastic laugh) "we taught him everything he knows."
There was only one problem though. My very latest design ultra modern magic knickers didn't work in the slightest. Nothing was squished. I just had an uncomfortable pair of big knickers on for the night - they were just too big and too user friendly to work. They should HURT to work. (Super higher power Spanx: I'd rather go commando). And leave you exhausted with the struggle to lever them up and be practically impossible to remove. (The untold perils of magic knickers) These weren't.
And just as Kirstie found years ago (Spanx for nothing) sometimes taking the advice of the shop assistant on the subject of magic knickers just doesn't work
Sorry er Barks and Parks*, you need to go back to the drawing board on this one. They were more Brendan Courtney than Gok Wan. I would have been better off with the old lady knickers.
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*In the spirit of Testy Broader names have been changed to render store name unguessable.
