Five Instagram Users You're Definitely Following

Nothing beats the satisfaction of waking up and reaching for your phone to check your emails, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter in that exact order. And then you get bonus points if the phone falls on your face as you check...

And lately, it seems that checking Instagram is taking considerably longer than it used to. Great news for the app makers, bad news if you want to avoid losing your job due to repeated tardiness. Rather than unfollowing some of these unnecessary Instagrammers, we endure their pointless pics because they're sometimes good for a laugh. And here is my list of the five types  Instagram users that you've probably come across.

  • Fitness Fiona 

Fiona has a dreadful and debilitating illness whereby she can't go to the gym without posting about it online. It's the age-old question: If a girl goes to the gym without making it public knowledge on all social media platforms, has she really gone at all? Apparently not.

Fiona will post a photo of herself before the gym, showing off the orthopedic runners she got specially made last year, but are mysteriously cleaner than an operating table. Her hair will be tied up in a cute ponytail, she’s got a face full of make up and her arm is acting as the handle from The Little Teapot song. Less than forty minutes later, Fiona will post a follow-up photo of herself after the grueling workout she blatantly hasn't done. She looks better now than in the pre-gym photo, so naturally you question whether she went and got a blow dry and a Capri Sun instead of hitting the gym.

At The Gym

  • Paleo Paula

As we all know, there's no fun in cooking something healthy unless you brag about it online. However, Paula takes things to another level. Every single meal she posts is #Paleo #Vegan #GlutenFree, or as I like to call it, the work of the devil. Generally, Paula's food looks like, for lack of a better comparison, dog vomit. Far from the Paleo lifestyle she was reared.

Sure Paula doesn't even have a gluten intolerance! No filter can hide the repulsive slop poor Paula is putting herself through. If nothing else, her photos encourage hilarious and sympathetic comments such as "Aw hun go nd get a burger for urself hehe x".

healthy food

Advertised
  • Selfie Sarah 

I'm continually amazed by the numerous circumstances in which Sarah deems acceptable to take a selfie. The girl has no boundaries and is to risqué photography what Pat Butcher was to ridiculous earrings. Sarah will use the tax office, dentist's chair and even being breathalysed as her own personal photo shoot. Her facial expression never changes: pouting lips, a vacant stare, slightly raised eyebrows and a gentle tilt of the neck. Not even a funeral is out of bounds for young Sarah. If she could apply the same level of commitment to selfies onto anything else in life, this girl would go places (unphotgraphed places, preferably).

oscar selfie

  • Hashtag Hannah 

In terms of subject matter, Hannah isn't a big offender. She posts a decent and inoffensive photo. However, the main issue with this lady is that she's never quite grasped the concept of a hashtag. It's as if the girl has eaten a thesaurus and is vomiting it back up again.

Take, for example, a sunset. Hannah will start off with #sunset #dusk #autumn, all quite reasonable. She won't stop there, following is #romance #ooh #spooky #nighttime #lovethistimeofyear #cute #love etc until she reaches the maximum quota of six billion hashtags. The biggest tragedy of all is that the abundance of ridiculous hashtags doesn't gain her any surplus likes or follows and Hannah is still waiting for that breakthrough onto the popular page.

  • Smug Susan 

We all know a Susan. She desperately tries to portray the perfect life. A gorgeous sunrise, personal-best 5k run, perfectly symmetrical omelette, above-average-looking boyfriend. There's never a rainy day for our Sue, unless her magnificently maintained garden needs it.

But we know the truth. Lurking beneath this seemingly perfect online persona lives an insecure girl, desperately trying to hide her crippling insecurities and fondness for French Fancies. Dammit Susan, be real. Show us the four omelettes you made a mess of before lucky number five. There's no filter for desperation, but Lord knows you've tried.

Advertised

What other kind of Instagram users have you come across? Pretentious Patricia, Unfunny Una, Annoying Amy? Let's keep it light on a Wednesday lunchtime, we'd love to hear your thoughts!

Related Articles

More from Life