Friendless!!

[Pinkrose]

Hi all,

It feels a bit weird to be writing on here but basically, I am in my 20's and although im in a happy relationship with my childhood sweetheart I am friendless.
I moved from england when i was in secondary school and lost contact with the best friends of my life with the exception of my now BF. I made friends in secondary school but it was never the same i fell out wit some of them and drifted apart from the rest when i moved to college. throw in a bad break up nearly 2 years ago now and i'm without a friend in the world. the fact that i live away now where in another city means at least i don't have to see the people i had a fight with but it also means im very lonely a lot of the time. my BF is amazing and we're looking at moving in together but its not the same as having a best friends as well.
I miss having my girl friends to hang with im not a mad party go-er or anything but i miss catch up's, and coffee and shopping and gossip and having some to tell everythin and it really gets me down sometimes!! I have "friends" in college but we never really hang around out of it as they already have there friends and i never really got on that well with any of them that they or me would suggest anything.

Anyways wanted to no if any1 else out there was goin threw the same thing!

[marquise]

Hey there, that must be really tough for you.

Do you have any interests/hobbies that you could join a local club? e.g. a friend of mine went to jewelry making classes and met some new people there who shared similar interests.

Or why don't you suggest doing something with your friends in college? Maybe they are just lazy but would be more than happy to do something if you suggested/organised something? I know it's not easy to do but you might get to know them better or like them better if you did other stuff outside college with them?

Sorry, not sure if my suggestions are of any use at all!

[Pinkrose]

Hi again,

its a bit more tricky than that at the moment with me as im so busy at mo as im student teacher and really don't have any free time, also traveling between countries until june as my BF is working away till then

but i do like the idea of evening class or club or somethin just never thought anything would come out of somethin like that as like i said before people always already have friends and r busy and things.

as for my friends in college i really don't think they would be interested its not threw lack of trying i've asked them to do stuff plenty of times before but they always haave things already planned or are busy with our college work.

I'm kind of at the giving up stage at this point, im just scared of becoming 1 of those people who have no friends and rely on their BF's all the time. And have nothing to do when he's out

[snowdrop]

Hi Pinkrose

Poor you! that sounds tough alright. Now onto my advice
I'm just going to put it out there, and it may sound harsh (apologies in advance ) but i suggest distancing yourself from these so called college "friends". I know thats a bit crude but hear me out. You said "I have "friends" in college but we never really hang around out of it as they already have there friends and i never really got on that well with any of them"

I have noted you put friends in quotes, so even in print you don't regard them as true friends, more so ppl you hang with just for the sake of hanging with. Also the seem preoccupied with their own friends and are a bit 'meh' with regards to hanging out with you. . .well screw em i say.
Feck em if they're not interested. you have put time and energy into creating a fulfulling friendship and they've done nothing in return. you need someone who loves hanging out with you as much as you like chilling with them. these individuals are not your friends, however the relationship you have with them is holding you back. i advise you spend less with them and instead focus more of that time upon developing new friendships as yer social construct is a losing battle that will only hold you back as time progresses.

Friendship, like any relationship is a two way street, whereby ppl are equal - its a give and take situation. they need and want to be around you as much as you want and need to be around them.
Next, you say you left your bestest friends behind (this next point is equally harsh, so prepare yourself) . . well thats just it, they were left behind, in the past. Thats the sad thing about life. we meet and befriend wonderful ppl, but life gets in the way, and we drift apart. It happens to everyone and in your case it was not feasible to remain as close as you relocated to another country. but, you can't dwell on this either. because, although it is sad, you can't keep recounting on it, as it is past, not future- you have to move on. It is painful to think about, and your friends probably remember you with fond memories too, but they have also moved on with their lives.

The same advice goes for the individuals you fought with in secondary school.You cannot keep recounting it as it will drive you bananas. Fair enough, you are entitled to the infrequently occuring pained memory, but remember what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, and consequently you are a tougher person (although you may not realise it! ) because of it.

Now, how to move onwards with your life. I suggest joining a social networking site, like facebook, to get back in contact with your friends from when you were younger. Who knows you might meet up again, but don't be too disheartened if you don't.
Next, you say you're in college - Are you a final year student, or have you more years left? If you have more years left, i suggest that you join any one of the clubs or societies on offer to you. . .there should be something thats piques your interest be it music or a sport.
If you are finished college, seek further employment. Many jobs have active social scenes, as ppl become more familiar with one another and work better as a team, be they in a shop,school or office.
Or alternatively join a club, i.e drama, bookclub, samartians or debating, in the local community. Don't put it off. . .if you are busy, MAKE TIME for these commitments, as an active mind is a happy mind.
HTH

If you seek any more advice, I'd be more than happy to respond
Apologies for the essay (and the tough love advice )
Update us on your progress
Best of luck and chin up
Snowdrop xxx

[Pinkrose]

HI Snowdrop,
Thanks for the advice totally agree with all of it, I'm a final year student so to late to join anything there. But by boyfriend keeps telling me ah u'll make friends when u start work u'll see etc etc etc and i just don't see it! but i will defo join some kinda club or something next year!
I'm just a very shy person till i get to no people of course. its somethin i need to get over, just hope theres some kind of solution out there for me!
Thanks for the advice

[snowdrop]

Don't worry pinkrose, things will only get better for you. you are in a loving relationship with a lovely guy. Your "funk" is only caused by your current situation. You've recognised it as a stalemate situation - and now you're ready to move on.

Once you're free of college and the people that surround you, life will change. . . but ony for the better. You'll be shy initailly (everyone always is), but then you'll come out of your shell and formulate lasting friendships. Don't be worrying,
keep that chin held high - think positively, Do postively
Snowdrop x

[Pinkrose]

Snowdrop Thanks for all the brill advice!
Hopefully your right and things will change soon!!

[goldilocks]

Hey pinkrose,

I know how easy it is to get into that situation especially with drifting apart from secondary school friends etc!Been there so I know how your feeling!all I can say is you're really lucky to have your bf and that in my experience girls in big groups can generally be quite horrible so you're far better off with a few people you can trust with anything rather than lots of 'friends.'

xx

[Pinkrose]

Hiya Goldilocks,
I don't even have that i'm afraid. I have no1 i'd call a friend right now
but thanks for sharing its nice to know others no how im feelin!

[tcup]

Hey Pinkrose
you poor thing I've been in situations where i've lost my friends and found new ones and lost a few again. Right now i have about only one or two friends who i trust completely. Friendships can be hard work and you need to work as much on them as you do on your BF. Finding new friends is hard too especially when your that bit older. Have you gone on the blather here? That can be a great way to start friendships and a few of us are on twitter and can have a right old natter on that at times. Are you into running? A few of us go running every Mon (this in Dublin) its just as a social outlet nothing more. Look up Tina's website for all the details on that. I think there's a book club here too? Joining groups like that i think is the best way imo. You poor thing nothing as bad wanting to do stuff and then having no one to do it with.