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Yesterday Phil Mitchell got the Beaut.ie Fantasy Gift Guide treatment and today it’s the turn of Jordan/Katie Price/Jordan/I’m a boob-flashin’ cage fightin’ dancer-dater-style wild thing/I like horses/SOB Pete Please Come Back!/Jordan/boobs/I can’t keep up with her multiple personalities and am worn out now.
Jordan’s ideal pressie is apparently Pete and his six-pack tied up in nought but a bow, but I’d like to firstly send her a bridge which could then be utilised as mechanism for her to get over herself. Ok, that’s not strictly beauty-related so my picks for Miss Price for Christmas 09 are cleanser, cleanser and more cleanser.
We’re always being told how pretty she is but I can’t see it. My view of her features is always obscured by approximately two kilos of harsh foundation, lipstick, lipliner, gloss, fake lashes, scads and scads of stripey eyeshadow, mascara and liner. Add on bronzer, blusher, a gross or so of sparkles and lashings of fake tan and you’ve got someone who is the polar opposite of natural.
It’s not like I want Jordan to embrace the pale or anything, I’m just a bit worried that she, you know, never actually takes any of it off at night and merely trowels on a new layer each morning. So my gift to the overdone-one is a year’s supply of cleanser. And boy howdy, does she needs something heavy duty.
I’m recommending Lancome’s BiFacial for her eye area and a paint stripper for the Ronseal on her face. Well, that or some Eve Lom – because it’ll shift even bomb-proof slap. And Jordan, please, for the love of all that’s good and holy, use them, eh?
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I’d get her a full size mirror and a trip to specsavers…….
Bi-facil – legendary! Yeah I’ve always thought it’d be interesting to see her skin as opposed to that layer of orange mud….
Cif!
i was going to say a mirror… but one that talks back
‘oh jebus! you’re not seriously thinking of going out like that?’
‘i know you think that everyone likes you to look like a blow up doll.. but seriously! it’s 2pm and you’re taking the little ones to a kiddies birthday party!’
‘ok.. wear what you want.. you’re the type of girl that’ll demand/find a sh*g no matter what… so go ahead… just don’t let your eyelashes fall into your drink or choke on your plastic hair.. or maybe do.. then i wouldn’t have to look at you anymore..’
*sigh*
She needs to scrub off the permanent marker that she calls eyebrows
I’d buy her a good bra and a polo neck jumper, she’ll catch her end always having them out like that.
She needs to get rid of that orange mary of a makeup artist she drags around with her and engage the services of Bobbi Brown… now wouldn’t that be a picture!
her boobs are horrible, i saw a picture of her topless in one of the papers and they look like two basketballs stuffed underneath her skin. very strange looking.
i don’t understand people saying ‘but shes such a good business woman’. Like selling you and your kids lives needs good business acumen. yeah she’s made money but at what price to her and her children?
Now that Katie’s a novelist she’d probably appreciate some good quality paper and pens to get her started on those pesky first drafts!
A trip to get her eyebrows sorted Stat
She is actually really pretty, but she wears so much makeup and tarty clothes, it’s a shame
Prudence – Jordon has published 23 books! TWENTY THREE
I’d say in fairness katie would only appreciate poor quality tat made from polyester and lame.
Katie has written twenty three books – who could have believed it -?!
That must be 23 cheque books surely?
I think paint stripper would be better than Eve Lom. Remember the layers have been building up for a good 15 years (I have no idea how old she is)!
Eeek, I have to admit I quite like her. I think she’s come across really well both times she’s been on I’m a Celeb. She just needs a big sister or a good friend to give her a big hug and tell her to wash all that muck off her face, she doesn’t need half of it and really needs to stop with the surgery. Her lips are awful! On a side note, I don’t get Eve Lom? I bought it and hated it. I made myself use it because of the price but ended up just throwing the last bit out. Get her some Liz Earle I say!
Just saw the Cif – Brilliant! and now, back to studying economics
She’s had so much surgery now, I think she’s lost whatever prettiness she’s had. All I see is the botox and makeup.
She looks like Janice Dickinson in one of those pics