One of my favourite Christmas films is "The Muppet Christmas Carol". The Ghost of Christmas Past guiding Michael Caine through his childhood is pure movie magic. And the sight of Miss Piggy in a bonnet is surely the highlight of anyone's holiday.
Reminiscing about Decembers gone by is a cathartic activity. We all have memories of that frenzied unwrapping under the tree, ribbons and bits of sellotape flying hither and tither, the mammy shouting to SAVE the paper, SAVE the paper you pups, 'twill do again next year, paper doesn't grow on trees you know.
But instead of taking a purely Muppety wander down memory lane, I have been inspired by Heston Blumenthal's festive recipes and have decided to fuse it with another celluloid classic (with the help of Bunsen and Beaker). So bring out the dry ice and stand well back.
I'll take a dash of Kermit and I'll add a healthy glug of the living Hollywood legend that is Clint Eastwood. A quick stir and BOOM!
Behold, I give you the good, the bad and the ugly of Christmas gifting. Yes, we are grateful for all gifts received and they are all appreciated equally. But some are appreciated a little more equally than others.
So off we go, flying into the air with Ebenezer Eastwood; our tongues firmly in our cheeks, as we reveal the good, the bad and the ugly of Christmas Presents Past.
First stop is the good. This is often to be found in childhood. It might be the bicycle you found under the tree with the tinsel wrapped around the handlebars. Maybe it was the neon yellow swing ball set, your first Swatch watch or even a Cabbage Patch baby.
For me, it was the doll's house. I can still remember my eyes growing larger and being almost afraid to touch it in case it disappeared. It was covered in red brick-print paper and I thought it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Santa had channelled his inner Neville Knott and had left packets of furniture to decorate the interior. I can clearly remember waking my parents to show them the teeny tiny toilet roll holder that was the size of my six year old finger nail. And being baffled as to why they did not gaze upon it with the same wonder that I did, in the pre-dawn darkness of Christmas morning.
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While the gratitude should always be there, some gifts just don't cut the ham and mustard. The bad can come in many terrible forms.
It might be the Lynx set that Aunty Mary always gives you even though you are a woman in your thirties. Or anything that resembles a bath pearl from The Body Shop of yore. Those things feel like calloused, blistered skin and I have an urge to wrap them in gauze and pop them with dettol-infused safety pins.
Mine takes the form of a carriage clock. It was a yuletide gift when I was 21 and not really in need of such an item. I didn't have a mantlepiece to put it on anyway. It looked like the kind of thing you would see being advertised in the back of a free magazine, right beside the freaky, lifelike porcelain dolls and leopard print long johns.
And now to the ugly, which is very much a clear and distinct category from the bad. When you unwrap it, your brain raises one mental eyebrow. The words "what the…" are out of your mouth before you can catch them and you begin to wonder what kind of fresh hell you have stumbled into. You are now Alice in Wonderland, after having fallen down a rather disturbing rabbit hole.
These can be divided into two separate categories. The first is the minefield known as the work-based Secret Santa. Why someone would buy you a red sequin thong (you suspect Fintan from Payroll) or why you are given a copy of the Kama Sutra (Fintan again) is unknown to you but this much you know, and know full well - it makes you uncomfortable. Especially as he was given a packet of wet wipes and some deodorant.
The other preserve of the ugly is the phenomenon that is known as the regift. The fancy notebook that has its front page page ripped out or the box of biscuits that has three missing (and a bite taken out of the shortbread rectangle); these are the things of nightmares.
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Not even Heston could make that USA box appetising. But I'd say Miss Piggy would have a fair crack at it.
What are your gifts of the good, bad and ugly? Maybe your good is more recent, perhaps an iPad that Santa left last year? Is one woman's bad gift ever another woman's present treasure? Tell us in the comments!
