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The Skinny on Fei Yan Diet Tea: Lorraine Tells The Hole Truth

By Beaut.ie | January 4 2012 | 47 Comments

fridge horror

A few summers ago, I was bemoaning the inches of excess back-side that had crept up on me (maybe when I was distracted by the handfuls of chocolate in front of my gob) to a friend. Knowing that I have zero tolerance for dieting, she recommended slimming teas. She said she had tried them and the weight dropped off, despite no changes to her diet. The prospect of weight-loss with no effort appealed greatly to my inner (and outer) couch potato.

On my day off, I went to one of those Chinese Herb shops and spent €30 on a month’s supply of herbal tea. Expensive, but I believed this tea would melt off my extra padding, revealing a Middleton-esque frame in just a few weeks. I couldn’t find the specific brand she had recommended that had a “lady with the body of a child and a massively disproportionate head” on the front so went for the prettiest option, Fei Yan.

seamen

Different type of seamen

I had my first cup when I got home, only slightly displeased with the odd taste. Three quarters of the way through my first dose, I started reading the ingredients list. It’s not a good sign when the only word you recognise is “semen“. Not willing to admit that I’d parted with a third of my wages for a cup of, er, that, I put it down to poor translation and continued chugging away.

All was well until much later that evening, I felt like I had to go to the bathroom but was finishing off an essay so decided to wait. One more flip of my stomach and I realised that waiting wasn’t an option – unless I wanted to spend the rest of my wages on a new sofa for d’mother. I sprinted to the bathroom, clutching my stomach and mentally begging for the help of Jesus, Mary, Joseph, all the saints and even some of the ones that hadn’t been canonised yet.

I won’t recount the following, oh, half hour or so that I spent in the loo. Suffice to say, I began making deals with whatever omnipotent being that I thought oversaw affairs of the toilet. “Oh, please, I’ll never take another tea again, let me live!”.

Unfortunately, I persevered. Don’t judge me! I was younger and my best friend has a body that could look good in those light blue cotton jeggings, the ones with no seams or pockets. I stopped eating after a few days. Every morsel of food equated to a minute of crippling cramps, so I went without. Surprisingly, I wasn’t spitting feathers for some grub. I was oddly calm, maybe because I didn’t have enough energy to be anything but. I remember sitting on my friends bed, watching her demolish a Moro bar while I contentedly sniffed the wrapper.

The results were noticeable; the scales showed that I’d dropped more than a few pounds and my clothes were much looser. I think I lasted two weeks of the recommended month before I cracked, blame it on the regard that I have for my colon and my lifestyle – spending more time on the toilet isn’t a luxury I can afford. After I stopped, I gained what weight I had lost back quite quickly.

When I was back to consuming and absorbing enough calories to think, I really regretted trying the tea. After I stopped, I gained what weight I had lost back quite quickly. All the pain, time and money had been a waste. What had been billed as a miracle slimming tea was really just a box of laxatives.

While it would be nice to think that a few cups of tea will transform your body into that of a seasoned gym bunny, it’s just not the case. The old “eat less, move more” method really is your only man.

Diet & Wellbeing, WTF, Reviews , ,
 

47 Replies to "The Skinny on Fei Yan Diet Tea: Lorraine Tells The Hole Truth"

  • Aisling

    “I began making deals with whatever omnipotent being that I thought oversaw affairs of the toilet”

    Hahah! Deadly. And thanks for trying this so we don’t have to!

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  • I work with girls who drink this shizz AWL THE TIME!

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  • “hole truth” heh heh

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  • Oh Lord!! Soooo glad I read this as I was going to buy some this week. Trying everything I can to lose a few lbs before my sons christening at the end of the month. lol the pics are great :)

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  • Oh this sounds horrendous Lorraine, no wonder you lost weight…you weren’t eating.

    Am currently trialling a box of Shou Shen Tea for my blog, thankfully I’ve had no ill effects. Though to be honest I’ve seen no good effects either, at this point I’m just looking at it as a way of upping my fluid intake for the day.

    This is one of those ‘it works along side diet and exercise teas’ but it really hasn’t made an impact at all.

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  • This is hilarious!!

    @Corrina-It ain’t cheap but I’ve been going to Motivation Weight Loss for 5 weeks and I’ve over a stone lost.

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  • So funny!! :)

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  • o such a funny story, but feeling sorry for you too! Turn anyone off those things!

    Corrina – fair play to you, a stone lost over the last month when most of us gained it, well done.

    Operation transformation back tonight to show us how to do it the old fashioned way; love that show.

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  • Brilliant post Lorrrrraine! Laxatives in tea form, shall avoid at all costs now :)

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  • YAY! I’m afraid to look at the post too long in case I spot typos, but yay!

    Kirstie – Are they mad? How are the holding down a job?

    Funnily enough, I got a few press releases for Diet Teas this month, if only they knew.

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  • Whenever I need to shed a few pounds quickly I drink cups and cups of green tea – up to 8 a day. It does slightly quicken the metabolism but nothing like above. Along with cutting down on the drink I reckon its a miracle boost to weightloss – and it doesnt break the bank!

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  • Bahaha! Great post Lorraine, love the sailors. You poor thing though, it sounds bloody traumatic!

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  • @sweetie1, I wish it was me that lost a stone it was Aoife another poster!! You are right though, congrats Aoife well done on losing a stone :)

    I actually gained weight as I was pregnant. My surname is Stone & I had a baby so you could safely say I gained a Stone :)

    I’ve had 4 babies in the last 5 years so I’ve gained lots of baby weight. I’m willing to try anything to lose it. But as I live in the sticks & up to my eyes with the little ones it’s impossible to go to any slimming classes/gym. :(

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  • Corrina – would you try the weight watchers at home programme? Or as somebody else said follow one of the leaders on Operation Transformation? With OT you could fit in the exercises when the kids are sleeping because they design the programme so you don’t use a gym + can fit it in around your life!

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  • Corrina, congrats on your new son!

    Would an exercise DVD be an option, something like the 30 day shred? This is what im thinking. Am due in a few weeks and I know I wont be able to get out to classes or gym too easy.

    I have lost the run of myself completely over the last few weeks, I was pretty good diet wise but now everyday is one long gorging session – am fit to burst!

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  • Corrina, I hear ya! Ive only one baba but shifting the weight is very hard. I kinda hoped it would drop and id be back to my normal weight as I eat as before. But sadly not…. :( Would you try WW online? I did that during the summer after the birth and shifted a stone. Ive another to go but will do that with healthy eating and walking now that Im back to work (cant waste my precious time in the gym when I could be with my lil one).

    Ive tried pu-erh tea in the past and found it frickin useless. This tea described sounds very dangerous. There are some very vulnerable girls and boys out there who’d try anything to be thin :(

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  • Sooz – you are due in a few weeks though arent you? Best of luck :) Dont worry about weight until at least your 6 week check up!

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  • Thanks Gracie – I think I will need lots of luck, feel very unprepared :-)

    But i’m sure it will be fine ;-)

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  • Is it your first? You’ll be fine – you’re never really fully prepared! I remember that heavy feeling well! I put on 4 stone (im 5ft 1!!!) So was like a roly poly and could barely walk with the weight. Once she finally arrived I felt so light on my feet, was wonderful.

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  • Loads of my work colleagues have been trying this as well, one of them is literally RUNNING for the loo every hour or so.
    And yet she was still recommending it? No thanks!

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  • I tried this for a while, Only had one cup a day (normally in the eve) & would “use the loo” in the morn but then be grand for rest of day. Some friends who were drinking 2/3 cups a day had bad cramps & would smell TERRIBLE if they farted. I’d do it again as I thought it did help with bloating but would stick to one cup a day

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  • Jeez, that sounds horrendous. I tried green tea last year for the detoxing effects and after drinking two cups in one day I felt v. ill that evening and have never drank it since.

    Corinna a girl in work wanted to lose weight after her baby so when the baby was down for its morning nap she would pop Davina on the dvd and do the workout every single morning. She dropped two dress sizes in two months. Personally Davina did naff all for me a few years ago. Running is the only calorie burner that seems to work for me. I’ve the metabolism of a sofa so really need to work up a sweat.
    Similarly zumba classes don’t even raise my temperature or pulse :-)
    If you do decide to do a workout dvd, be sure to do the warmup. Don’t skip it. A girl in work skipped Davina’s warmup and tore ligaments in her calf and was on crutches for weeks.
    A few months ago I dug out my Kill jill dvd cos it was raining and because I don’t find dvd’s effective for me I jumped straight to level 3. It was v. intense with lots of crunches and planks. I don’t know what it did to me but I was in agony for about a week. My abdominal muscles and lower tum muscles were on fire. I’ve never tried it again since. They have levels for a reason :-)

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  • Corrina – after my babas I bought a variety of exercise DVDs and I used to do them in the morning when they were asleep. It really helped. The older lad used to drift in and try and copy the exercise and demand I watch him which was less than helpful but I still managed it!

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  • Hilarious Post!!! Laughing my head off!! Thanks for the honesty:)

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  • Thanks for the great advice! Sooz good luck with your baby, it’ll be over before you know it. @gracie I hear ya about being heavy,I had twins & when I tried to walk I couldnt balance for 2 days. I wasnt used to walking without being front heavy :) @kitykat thanks for advice about warming up, will do.

    Supervalu have ww meals half price so I stocked up with about 40 if them! Will try ww online, thanks again

    Sorry for dragging off topic Lorraine, I still feel your pain! I will deffo not be trying any of those slimming teas. It must have been a nightmare. I’m sure you couldnt even go anywhere incase you needed the loo

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  • I had tried ww before but couldn’t be doing with all this points busniness. Joined Unislim, who also have a slim at home plan, in October 2010 after having my two boys (now 2 and a half and 1 and a half) and since then have lost over 4 stone. There is no point counting and it’s really easy to follow. Beforehand I would have done very little exercise but started out walking every day and eventually upped it to going to classes in the evenings – 2 zumba and 2 aerobics every week. Now I’m going to the gym 5-6 days per week and have taken part in 2 10ks in the latter end of last year. Although I went completely overboard over Christmas, I’m back at class tonight and the support I have gotten online on the Unislim Chat facebook page has been invaluable. I believe there is an offer coming up for new members in conjunction with Go Ahead. Keep an eye out for it in the supermarket. Best of luck with baby and whatever path to weight loss you choose! x

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  • LORRAINE

    bloody brilliant, made me snort out loud… at your pain…

    ok just a warning people dont accept tea if your ever in Lorraines house… (she is probably trying to offload a cup of seamen)

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  • Oh Jebus I’m weak after reading that! Going back to read again! Didgy looks from colleagues are worth it!

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  • From the Irish Times just now, warning on slimming tablets

    http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/breaking/2012/0104/breaking47.html

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  • Aisling

    I think I see the tea in the photo!

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  • Never heard or such tea! It’s v funny for us but I agree with Gracie, some girls will love reading about a laxative you can buy with no questions asked from a health shop (as opposed to a chemist where you’d probably be asked questions if you’re a young girl buying laxatives).
    Some people are happy to sit on a toilet all day if it means they get skinny.

    There are some great detox teas that help with weight loss but I don’t think any of them work unless it’s to support a good healthy diet, they might give you a little boost but alone they’re no better than water, IMO.

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  • Yer man’s expression is very similar to the one I was pulling at the time.

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  • Aisling

    Maybe he’s actually SITTING ON A TOILET having tried some of the teas and didn’t want to be caught short? And they just arranged the boxes round him

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  • I remember reading about the Puh-err tea when it was in the news a few years back. The owner of the Aisa Market on Jervis St was interviewed as they sold it there. He said something about the young wans coming in to buy it with one hand in a bag of crisps and a Mars bar in the other, t’was quite funny.

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  • Actionmags – Just saw your comment there. My friends actually come to my house for my wide selection of herbal teas! I’ve got about ten different types. None of them containing anything slightly jizzy.

    Aisling – Ahahahaha, quite possible! I can’t see my particular tea in the photos but wouldn’t be surprised if customs had an issue with us all knocking back cups of baby gravy.

    About the comments on the young girls trying this, I was only 16 at the time and no questions were asked, or when I tried another tea (same story) or diet pills. I really do think it’s something that needs to be watched more carefully. I had just enough cop on to stop taking ‘em but know a lot of other people wouldn’t, at that age.

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  • Aisling, hilarious heh heh.
    A girl in my job tried Skinny Minnie tablets from the health food shop. 60 euro for a months supply and she lost a dramatic amount of weight. At the same time (about 3 yrs ago) I tried them too but they did nothing for me. I think she must have been eating nothing.

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  • Very funny,glad I read this,they are always trying to get me into the chinese health shop in Dundrum,I think l follow operation transformation and walk the dogs a bit more,made veg soup today so thats a start!Good luck to anyone trying to shed a few pounds :)

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  • hahahahaha oh sorry, for laughing, but this is HILARIOUS!!! Poor thing going through that, though i’d be the same if i spent all my money on it!

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  • KK what are Skinnie Minnie tablets??!!

    Lorraine I remember there was some diet pill one of the Chinese shops were selling a few years ago that people were going mad for. They were being sold to anyone and from what I hear they gave people palpitations and a permanent sick feeling. Scary the stuff thats slipping under the radar eh?

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  • Eek, that stuff sounds dangerous! Sorry you had to go through that Lorraine.

    Macha tea is amazing, though – exceptionally good for you, regardless of weight loss, and Pu Erh is very good for your health too – though not 18 quid per pack good! I steer clear of anything marketed as specifically slimming teas and pick out nice macha, white, green, or pu erh teas at an asian supermarket. Lots of tasty options there, and at a normal price. :)

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  • Lorraine, you had me laughing out loud here. Do not know HOW you did that for two weeks, are ya mad woman?! I hardly drink normal tea so these things are never an option for me. Ugh, weight loss though. Constant battle. Sigh.

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  • Laughing my head off!! Such an honest description.
    I used to drink green tea a lot i felt that I didn’t want biscuit with it but regular tea I’d be dying for a Ginger nut.

    Hilarious Post and comments.

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  • I drink Pu-Erh tea, the Barry’s one and I notice that it “flushes me out”. Not on the scale that you were through Lorraine, more of an acceptable amount I think. It’s prob more of a dust amount than the real stuff but I’d prefer that than what you went through!!

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  • So funny :-) you poor thing

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  • I know two girls that use Skinny Minnie on a fairly regular basis. I don’t think that they would be the types to be overweight anyway but personally, I could not justify paying 60 yo-yos a month for tablets in the vain hope that I would lose a few lbs… I’ll stick to the traditional methods i.e. look to the left then look to the right and repeat whenever you’re offered sweets/chocolate/crisps!

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  • I swear by this tea! That’s strange, the bathroom issues for me stopped after the first week, just like my doctor said. I guess everyone is different. It gives me loads of energy and I was killing myself in the gym trying to get off the extra weight, after taking this it fell off so quickly! I’m at my ideal weight now so I just drink it every second day to maintain.

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  • I agree with Becky. I have used it as well, and so have friends. The loo problem lasts at best 3-4 days, after that it settles down. The key is NOT to diet, you take full 3 square meals a day because you suffer from chronic fatigue if you take the tea and also diet. And, it is to be used after a meal, not empty stomach.

    Give it another go Lorraine, its one of the few teas that does wonders :)

    One thing that helps lose weight even more is water therapy, you can google it. You brush at bedtime, wake up in the morning and only rinse your mouth and drink 1.5 litres of water. Then wait 45 mins before you eat, drink or smoke anything. You feel the difference in your energy levels from day 1. Dehydration is often mistaken Hunger. If you stay hydrated, you tend to have less cravings and will eat less.

    Also, its awesome for your skin ;)

    I have a background in holistic medicine and do non-surgical cosmetic solutions, for e.g. face lifts without going under the knife, anything you would goto a cosmetic surgeon for, without the surgery. You ladies are welcome to try it for free.

    Cheers

    Reply

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