Need advice? The Ask Assumpta line is open!

POLL: Kanye West in new sex tape horror. Who wants to see him pounding away for forty minutes straight?

By Aisling | September 25 2012 | 25 Comments

Not content with dressing Kim Kardashian in shapeless sacks and being a controlling eejit in every other walk of life, Kanye West has now verified the existence of not one but two sex tapes.

Now naively I thought two things about celeb sex tapes.
One: they all have one.  Even Kate Middleton has a secret one from the sounds of things
Two: All you had to do is say “oh look there’s Paris Hilton in her sex tape” and settle down with your popcorn for an enjoyable watch.

Brace yerself there Kim

But I was wrong it seems.  The sex tape must be VERIFIED by the celeb.  So it’s not enough to clearly see with your eyes that Kim Kardashian is doing the nasty with someone nasty, she must VERIFY that it is actually her.  Even though it clearly is.

Now that we’ve cleared up that little area of confusion, Kanye has gone two better than everyone else.  Well of course he has.  He has modestly verified the existence of himself in two sex tapes.  Now I haven’t watched them for obvious retch making reasons – but it seems every other gossip site in America has.  Kanye is apparently “furious” and says the tapes have been stolen – ho hum.  And guess what?  It looks like Kim K is starring in them too.  Now ain’t that some publicity?

And the gossip sites  are full of PRAISE for his er longevity. Obviously it is men who have been viewing said sex tapes and mistakenly thinking this is fantastic.   Kanye you see can bang away for forty minutes straight.  Now I’m not talking about foreplay here and the whole experience lasting forty minutes. That would be NICE.  I’m talking about the old in and out.

FORTY MINUTES!  Jesus wept, I know what Mrs Doyle would say to that.  The poor girl would be pounded into the mattress.  Forty minutes of relentless pounding does no one any good – except apparently Kanye’s reputation.  Countless sex advice for men tells them that women don’t enjoy THIS much angry pounding.  But yet they still think we do.

Now I ask you this girls.  And it’s not have you ever watched one of these sex tapes.  But it is more fundamental than that. Would you enjoy Kanye West slamming into you for forty minutes.  Would anyone?

Take the poll and let us know!

Celebrity Watch, Relationships & Sex , ,

Content © and partners