Fifty Shades of Grey: one shade of ridiculous. Twilight fan fiction gets durty

By Aisling | April 30 2012 | 42 Comments

I’d read the first few pages of Fifty Shades of Grey and already I was laughing.  Laughing so hard it hurt.  Was it a joke?

“What are you laughing at?” said Himself. “What?” he said “What?”

“This book” I spluttered “ITS RIDICULOUS!  It’s filthy durty and the plot is so thin you could spit through it”

Then I started to read bits out to him.  Basically the plot is as follows.  Anastasia is a naive, innocent – but breathtakingly beautiful – college grad who has made her way through college without ever having kissed a man or EVER being drunk.  These two – quite frankly unbelievable –  facts set the scene for the ludicrous events to come.

Ana  interviews enigmatic, breathtakingly handsome, self made billionaire Christian Grey.  With more shades of grey than the Farrow and Ball catalogue, he’s a Master of the Universe in more ways than one. (Masters of the Universe was the original name of the series)

Within about three pages and one date he has “taken her”, shown her round his S&M dungeon, handed her a contract to be his Submissive AND they’re discussing safe words, hard and soft limits, whips and punishments AS THOUGH ALL THIS WERE PERFECTLY NORMAL for an innocent 21 year old virgin.

Emails are zinging back and forth discussing in “witty” detail the finer points of the contract, she immediately begins calling him “Sir” and every two pages or so there is a sex scene so ridiculous that Anna’s cat Ju Ju could have written it.  No offense to Ju Ju obviously.

He’s a control freak with smouldering grey eyes and a sexy cigarette scarred body. For example:

  • She gets a job.  He buys the company.
  • She flies across America to get away from him for a few days.  He fires up the Lear jet and follows her  there for a bit of filthy how’s yer father.
  • He tracks her phone and supplies her with a new Blackberry and Mac Book all the better to do it with
  • He takes one look at her banger of a car and instantly buys her another

Main themes

Extreme control freakery (Christian)
Eye rolling (everyone)
Mind blowing orgasms
Sipping delicious glasses of white wine (type varies according to Christian’s eclectic but excellent tastes)
Inner goddess gymnastics
Grey Eyes.  Mentioned at least one million times.  One mention per page min.

If you haven’t read the book – read this hilarious synopsis instead.  It sums it all up in a few paragraphs and means you probably won’t have to bother.

“We can’t understand why it’s so popular” say the publishers of these works of erotic literature.  “It’s just incredible”.  Read this report for more background.  Time Magazine have recently named James one of the 100 most influential people in the world.  Her book signings are mobbed.  The books are topping the best seller lists.


Well  it’s the Twilight effect.  The author started writing Twilight fan fiction online and Fifty Shades of Grey just… er came to life.  If you will.  So just mentally cast Robert Patterson and Kristen Stewart as the two protagonists and bobs your uncle.  James bases the two main characters on them – read more about how the books came into being here.

The big question now is though who will actually play Ana and Christian in the movie?  Ian Somerholder of The Vampire Diaries  (above) is a hot contender -and his eyes are GREY.

So that’s that then.

This book is so bad it’s brilliant. Who else is going to admit they’ve read it?  My inner goddess will be cartwheeling one handed around the Olympic stadium  if you let me know!


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42 Replies to "Fifty Shades of Grey: one shade of ridiculous. Twilight fan fiction gets durty"

  • Breige says:

    Lol,constant referring to the eyes reminds me of Twilight,doesn’t Bella always do that?

  • Niamhers says:

    I HAVE to read this!! :D It sounds so ridiculous!

  • Nicola says:

    There have been some hilarious tweets going around it, and it seems every magazine has a new take on the whole saga. So for that reason, I kind of want to read it… but I’ll probably read it like I ‘watched’ Twilight – only so I can look up every few minutes, cry “What the WHAT?” and then laugh at the pure ridiculousness of it all.

    Have you seen Ellen read from the book on youtube?

  • missymoo says:

    Oh dear god I must buy this book! Think Bella was more about his amazing bronze hair and biting her lip though

  • Aisling says:

    Nicola – NO! I will look it up now

  • Gossipgal says:

    Twilight Porn !!!! Thank God for the Kindle

  • siobhan says:

    i have read this!! it is bloody hilarious!! reminds me of my mills and boon years!! BUT i will admit (SHAMEFACEDLY)worth it for a few cheap thrills.

  • carol says:

    Soooo addictive, yes v badly written (like twilight) but never are meant to be more than a bit of fluff and a bit of escapism ….was mortified buying the sequels in Waterstones this evening especially when the sales assistant said very loudly how raunchy they were, all heads in the shop turn towards me…mortifying!!

  • Aisling says:

    Nicola – HAHA!

    Missymoo – oh lip biting is HUGE in this book too as is the bronze hair

  • Fee says:

    The Guardian synopsis is brilliant and for some reason I found it twice as funny when I realised it was written by a man. So tempted to Kindle this.

  • Gossipgal says:

    About $5 on amazon for the kindle And Book one of a trilogy

  • Nicola says:

    Aisling – Isn’t it brilliant!? Cracked me up when I saw it.

  • baby in a corner says:

    How have I not heard of this before? The clip of Ellen reading it is hilarious!

    Hope my little sis isn’t reading this as I know she is a big twilight fan and reads some of the fan fiction on the website!

  • Fee says:

    To be honest I’m more shocked to learn of the existence of “Twilight fan fiction”. I did NOT know that was a thing.

  • missymoo says:

    Oh god I just realised I’ve been reading The black Dagger Brotherhood series which is basically vampire porn so I can’t even deny I LOVE this kind of crap!!!

  • Gossipgal says:

    Missymoo Am watching The Secret Circle. Is Twilight with witches

  • missymoo says:

    Gossipgal – I’ve been eying The secret circle series for a while. Think I might try the first book and first episode and see how it goes.

  • Gossipgal says:

    missymoo It is addictive. Only saw the Tv show. Haven’t gotten to the books

  • April says:

    Its unbelievable the coverage that book is getting in the U.S .Its being hailed as saving marriages blah blah absolute rubbish have women in the U.S not realised that these books have existed for years, eh hello!

    I was at a friends house (another Irish girl) and there was a local girl she has become friends was there to, anyway the discussion came up about this book and I said it ridiculous the amount of press its getting and how sad it was giggling to ourselves. This other girl admitted she was reading it and we obviously had better sex lives than her. We were both scarlet we had put our feet in it :) but seriously its going to save your marriage and they mustn’t sell moons and boon here!!! They had to wait for 50 shades!

  • Gossipgal says:

    Have to say I love a good sex scene in a book. (How sad am I) Amanda Brunker had a few in her books

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