THE airwaves and Internet have been alight with indignation over the past few weeks since Psychic Readings Live took to our screens. The late night phone-in show features such luminaries as Psychic Wayne and Countess Starella telling us our destiny, for a mere €2.44 a minute.
None can compare however to Flathan, the psychic to end all psychics. Blonde, tanned and coiffed he can see into your mind, into the movie of your life. Part man, part enigma, Flathan granted us at Howaya! this one exclusive interview where we got the chance to delve into his mind.
Who is Flathan? Who is the man behind the inch-thick make-up? What secrets is he hiding? Our roving reporter Karen Mulreid tracked him down to an apartment above the Ilac Centre in Dublin’s city centre to find out more.
FLATHAN is his usual exuberant self. Dressed in a shiny pink jacket and matching leather trousers he is relaxed and smiling as he sips a sweet sherry, ready for his close up.
Howaya!: Hi Flathan, it’s nice to meet you, how are you doing?
Flathan: Hello darlink! How are you? What a lovely woice, wow, fantastic woice.
H!: Er, right, thanks. Tell us Flathan, why do you think there’s been so much controversy over Psychic Readings Live?
F: All I have to say on that is that I am the Number. One. Psychic. In the vorld. I have vritten books, vorked with celahbraties. I can see the story of your laafe.
H!: Well that doesn’t actually answer …
F: I do not need your name. I do not need your date of birtz. I do not need your astrologic sign. I. Do. Not. Need. Your Qvestion.
H!: Ok, but what we’re trying to get to the bottom of is …
F: Vork. Career. Fahmily. Relationship. Ehm, vork. I do not need your qvestion. I will give you free answers.
H!: Free answers?
F: Yes darlink, free. Free answers. One, two, free. Free answers.
H!: Ah ok, three answers. So you don’t need to know a question to give someone an answer? How, exactly does that work?
F: I. Do. Not. Need. Your. Qvestion. [stares intensely into space for several minutes] I will show you darlink, I will do a live psychic reading for you now. Concentrate in on your own self and ven you are ready, say stop.
H!: Right, stop.
F: Ok, I am dealing the cards for you. Remember, reading time is dialling time. I do not have much time left, my plane is at the airport ladies and g’emen, you could be next into the stoodio.
H!. Seriously, if you could just deal the cards …
F: Ok! The furzt card is showing me that you are a person who has a lot of emotion in your laafe and I see for you a new exciting time in your laafe. The second card says that you will move in your house or flat and you will paint the walls magnolia. No, wait, mushroom. The turd card says to me that there is a person in your laafe who is someone of great importance in your laafe. Ok darlink? Thank you, bye bye.
H!: Well that didn’t really tell me anything …
F: I can only tell you what I think in my opinion will happen darlink ok? It’s up to you whether you decide to use what I tell you. I am one of the top psychics in the vorld. I have done thousands of live readings in Germany, in Austria, in Russia, in Poland. And now I am here in Ireland with you.
H!: Do you not feel guilty for taking money off vulnerable people? Preying on those looking for answers in their life? Making yourself out to be something you’re not?
F: I am here only to help people, I do not ask for … oh shag it. [Flathan breaks off and sighs heavily, his accent becoming less pronounced by the second.]
H!: You seem to be losing your accent Flathan? What’s going on? Who ARE you Flathan?
F: Ok, Jaysis, you caught me ok? Yis spanners! I can’t keep it up any longer. I was desperate. Yis ran me out of the country, I lost my bleedin’ job and yis were after me bleedin’ pension as well. I had to do something.
H!: Oh my God. It’s you, it really is you. Bertie Ahern, YOU’RE Flathan?
F: Yeah it’s me. Infacta, it wasn’t hard. I’d spent the previous 11 years preying on the vulnerable, taking money off the Irish people and wearing more make-up than a hoor house, so it was second nature to me. All I had to do was dye me hair, put on some glasses and dress in bright pink.It was so easy and yis all fell for it. Yis fell for ME again. It’s €2.44 a MINUTE yis spanners! D’yis know how much money I’ve made out of this?!
H!: My God, we can’t believe this! Do you not feel guilty for betraying the Irish people? Taking their hard earned money? Tricking them into believing things that aren’t true?
F: [Looks blank and shrugs] 26th of June 1997 to 6th of May 2008 – that’s all I have to say to that.
H!: We’re stunned by this, we can’t believe it. Flathan is Bertie Ahern. Do you have anything to say to the Irish public?
F: Well, I may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb – I’m not just Flathan, I’m also Phil Hogan. Thanks for the Household Charge yis spanners, the few bob came in handy!
Flathan/Bertie/Phil leaps up and runs from the room then, jumping into a blacked out Honda Civic waiting at the corner. In a squeal of brakes he’s gone, into the night.
So there you have it, it was Bertie all along. Everything always comes back to Bertie.
Howaya! Always on the ball.