Holy product ideas Batman, I’m on the phone to the patent office/JML as I type, cos we need to get last Friday’s invention, The Fat Schlobber, into production quick-sharp.
I only have to look at a supermarket aisle of crisps to instantly gain four stone. Couple that with not really liking to do any exercise, it means I spend a disproportionate amount of time inventing (in my head) amazing doofers that will render me slim in a pain-free, instant manner. No unnecessary sweat, hunger or effort involved.
One such invention is the Fat Schlobber. Grab a handful of fat off arse, hips or really anywhere you’d like it gone, and the Schlobber allows you to painlessley schlurp it off yourself and schlob it onto someone else.
Happen to be walking down the street and spot a really thin person who could do with a few extra pounds? Perfect! As you prepare to cross paths, schlurp off a handful or two and schlob them onto her as you meet. Perhaps you’ve got a pal who wants bigger boobs? Well, no problem here – you can happily donate some of your excess arse flesh to the cause.
I’m less clear on the actual science-based specifics. How one would defy physics, gravity, pain barriers and all that. Oh here – someone else can worry about that side of things. I’ve got the rest of it handled, and marketing will be no problem – we’ll just get JARJ HAAAAKKK* on board to crassly promote it for a few hundred thousand euro.
“The fahhhtSchlobbaaaaaRRRRR asss tha staffaffff sannnccc faCHKSHUN” etc.
Whaddya think? Will you buy the Fat Schlobber when it hits a Heatons/JML counter near you in the near future? And more importantly, how do you see it working – will we need special rules and restrictions? Lets get to it in the comments.
*For those who aren’t Irish, JARJ HAAAAKKK/George Hook is a radio talk show host and rugby pundit with the most bonkers accent, who appears to be growing increasingly crazed as time goes on.