Liz eyes up her lamb-dressed-as-lamb competition for Lloyd
The bad part of me has been dying to write about this for ages.
Then I would be instantly repulsed, my fingers repelled from the keyboard and need to lie down and calm myself for a while.
And it’s all because of Liz’s new look. The night she first mingled tongues with Lloyd was the most distressing example of Liz’s latest incarnation. And god knows she’s had some bad ones over the years.
Now follow my easy, bullet pointed guide to creating a look as mutton dressed as lamb and slappertastic as possible. As a bonus snare yourself a cardigan wearing cab driver, of a generation younger than you.*
- Buy a string vest which barely covers the huge boobs you recently acquired.
- Boldly disregard the rule which advises you to display one asset OR the other. Get your legs out in a micro micro mini. Mix it up a bit. Rules are not for you.
- Line the inside of your eyes with tippex or similar.
- You’re going for a drag queen look here. Using only the small sponge applicator that came with the eyeshadow shade the outside of your eyes and eyelids with as much black sparkly muck as possible.
- Select a nice bright blush (remember girls – use only the crappy brush that came with the blusher) to create an alluring stripe atop your newly prominent cheekbones.
- Trowel over the rest of your face with the thickest makeup possible. Constance Caroll is ideal. Subtlety is not for you. Your daytime look should be exactly the same as your nighttime one.
- Ignore Betty’s remarks about your get up and prepare to get your rocks off at Brazilian Crunch
*Despite the fact that this is a completely unconvincing storyline. Lloyd has languished for years with not one woman to his name. Then all of a sudden he was fending off the attention of three beauties. Well okay, two (one of the three was Liz)